Life Goals

I just need to process here for a while

I've always known that I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I've also wanted to be a an engineer, an artist, a minister, a teacher, a cafe owner, and most currently a published kids book author. It's a question of occupation, something one does to make money and hopefully find a small amount of fullfillment. Ideally it's a calling. Something you can see through to completion. I stuggle with a calling (that I define as something God has created for me to do) and making money. These two things do not need to be mutually exclusive, but in God's economy money is only a means to a much greater end and God certainly has the ability to do things without money that we would normally think can only be done with money. Obviously doing what God needs you to do is more important than making money.

I need to focus on using my talents and desires for the things God needs me to do. This requires spending time finding out what God needs me to do. Which requires TIME with Him. This is not rocket science. Unfortunately, I get so caught up creating my own possible destinies that nothing really ever gets accompished. Dreaming is great and I think God has no problem with dreaming as long as we bring those dreams back to his feet for consideration. Like Nehemiah's dream to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem - he waited several months in prayer until he even attempted to get permission from the king to go to Jerusalem.

The Tempations of Christ

As I was reading my bible this morning I seemed to get stuck on Christ's responses to Satan's temptations that appear in Matthew.

They are as follows:

Matt 4:4
But he answered, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread along, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.' "

Matt 4:7
"Again it is written,'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.' "

Matt 4:10
Then Jesus said to him, "Be gone, Satan! For it is written, 'You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve,' "

A couple of thoughts:

1.) I have some very selfish reasons for wanting to be able to live Jesus' first response - maybe I would eat less food. (I'm not trying to be funny - just honest)

2.) what's the difference between 'putting God to the test' and 'taste and see that the Lord is good' - the only thing that comes to mind is that the motive is probably different. (I need to do some research on this)

3.) why didn't Jesus say "Be gone, Satan!" after the first temptation Satan threw out. I assume that Jesus understood the Father's will for there to be three temptations before Jesus would be given the power to make Satan go away. But I wonder if maybe Satan's request was SO offensive that Jesus needed to cast him out. The idea of Satan just coming out and asking Jesus to worship him was so off the charts unacceptable (and definately less sublte than the other requests) that it was time for Satan to go.

The Nagging Question

Lately, one of the biggest questions in my life has been, ' Will I get pregnant again?'

I know I want more kids, I'm just not sure if I can or even should get pregnant again. Pregnancy was hard for me. I was not one of those glowing pregnant women. I got fat and dealt with my changing body very poorly.

My delivery experience was also pretty intense. I was 10 days overdue when I was induced and my induction was filled with stopping and starting contractions and just about every pain killer used in delivery - most of which didn't seem to do much at all. I did end up delivering without a c-section after 4 hours of pushing. The baby was 10 lbs 7 oz at birth and totally healthy. The pediatric nurse called him "Brutus". Those 4 days (a total of 6 in the hospital) seemed very short compared to the preceding 9 months of raging hormones and intense hunger cravings. I fully admit that I'm a wimp because so many women have had harder pregnancies than I did. I didn't have to work during my pregnancy and I never really had bad morning sickness. I did gain a lot of weight which depresses me even now as I look at the minimum of 10 lbs I need to lose still (ideally I should lose another 35). Let me mention here for the record that my husband was a ROCK STAR when I was pregnant - he was the picture of patient understanding that we all hope our husbands would be in this situation.

Yesterday for the first time since I got pregnant, I thought to myself, 'I think I could do that again.' So, I guess what I need to do is ask God what he thinks about all this and then do what he says. A large part of me still hopes we need to adopt, but I think I could deal if the answer is that we need to get pregnant again.

Surrender

Why is surrender so hard for me? The answer is probably because I'm human. Lately things with my husband have seemed so hard. We have a brand new baby and we find it easier and easier not to connect. This makes me very sad AND it makes me feel very alone. Last night, for the first time in a long time we talked about our relationship without someone being in crisis mode. It was so nice to be honest and extend grace to one another and just feel like we were truly connecting.

My problem is the same as it's always been. Trust. I start to believe that I'm alone and it's all up to me to keep myself, my family, (honestly in the extreme parts of my twisted little mind) EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY healthy and whole. You can see where my thinking is flawed. But most of the time I don't even know I'm doing it until my husband is pissed off at me for being upset again and I'm depressed because my husband can't read my mind. I know that God's the only one that can change anything so really I'm just not trusting Him to do what He said He'd do. There's the challenge! Jesus, grant me the grace to trust you more.

Wonderful Things About Parenthood

• when the baby falls asleep eating and you have to put him into your arms to move him and he snuggles into you
• when the baby smiles in his sleep after eating
• when you make the baby laugh
• when the baby smiles at you when you come to get him out of the crib in the morning
• holding babies with no clothes on (diaper required)
• babies that sleep through the night

Snow, Snow, Snow

It's probably coincidental but we watched "White Christmas" on TV yesterday and low and behold - it started snowing - AND it stuck. I'm a Northwestern girl and it's not often that I've seen snow stick the first time it falls in the Northwest. It snowed for HOURS. It's pretty magical...isn't it? That first snow. Especially, when it's starting to get dark and everything has a blue tint to it.

I wish my son were old enough to get excited about the fact that it was snowing last night. I would have loved to get excited with him and go out side and dance around in the snow for a while. It's kinda sad that I need him to have permission to really enjoy something so beautiful. I have a friend who decided last year that she was going to start skipping more because it made her feel like a kid. Maybe I'll start taking advantace of the opportunities to dance around, as a way to rejoice in the beauty around me, like a kid would.