MamaCita

Joel-isms

2009-09-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

"More, again."

Joel used to say "more" instead of using "again" which was more appropriate most of the time. Now he just uses both words so that he covers all the bases.

"skole"

It's how Joel says "school" it's a mix between school and store.

"I craze. " **big smile**

This is how Joel says "I'm crazy but really cute. Right, Mama?" Usually said when he does something dangerously close to inappropriate.

"Cwose door."

Joel is a little bit obsessive about closing doors. Not sure if he really got the message every time we asked him to close a door that he left open OR if there is something deeper going on.

In our world there are a couple of exceptions to the close the door behind you rule. First of all, at Grandma & Grandpa's house if you close the door to porch (which is where a lot of the playing usually happens) you will be locked out. Gotta love the weird things that happen when you live in a 100 year old house. But this doesn't stop my son from being driven - even when repeated told not to - to close that door.

The second one is when he goes out the front door to play in the car in the drive-way. I like to keep that door open so I can hear him and anyone else that comes up the front walk while he's playing out there. But he's very insistent that this door should be closed, too.

Today when I dropped him off at pre-school. He said goodbye and gave me a kiss and then walked me to the door so that he could close the door behind me. At least he's polite.

"Der ya are!"

This is what Joel says when he finds something. Usually the statement will start out, "Where's truck?" then he'll say, "Oh, der ya are!" once he finds it. It's adorable.

It's September

2009-09-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, my oldest son started pre-school last week.

I tried to prepare for whatever was going to happen. He's just barely 3 and he's a bit of an introvert so I wanted to be prepared in case he wasn't ready for pre-school.

The first day was very interesting. Lots of crying, lots of clinging. Finally, the teacher said she was willing to hold him if we wanted to go. This was our first move in the dance of figuring out what the teachers were like while the teachers figure out what we are like. My husband and I were totally fine with letting the teacher hold our crying 3 year old. So, we left.

Turns out our son was probably not feeling very well. He ended up sleeping through most of his first day of preschool. The teachers called me around 11 (one hour before we were to pick him up) and told us he had fallen asleep in the middle of the room and they had him lying down in the "library". She gave us the option of coming to pick him up now or just wait until noon. We waited until noon since it was fine with the teachers. Sure enough, he was still asleep when we got there.

I'm still not sure if he was sick or if he was just majorly stressed out. He was tired most of the day but never really registered a fever.

That night we were trying to talk to him about school and he wanted to go back. We had to hold him off until the next morning which was hard when he kept going to the front door and asking to go to school to paint.

When I dropped him off for his second day at school he went over the painting easels and started painting. I said, "Mommy's going to go home now." and he said, "OK. Bye, bye."

WOW. What a change from the day before.

Ever since that day he has been excited to go to school and leaving him there has not been a problem.

I love school! I love that I can drop my son off with these people and he's happy to be there. I love than my life is a little simpler for 3 hours , 3 days a week. I love this school thing. God Bless school!

A Mother's Lessons on Circumcision

2009-07-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

Can we talk about circumcision for a minute?

My husband felt very strongly when our first son was born than he be circumcised. In the rare case that you don't know me, we're not Jewish. I agreed to go along with his decision as long as he was willing to take the baby to get the procedure done. I couldn't handle the idea of my brand new baby being strapped to a table and cut.

After the procedure was done I had the task of caring for the baby while his body healed. If you are not familiar this does require keeping the area covered with patroleum jelly and making sure the skin is pushed back daily.

Let me put a few things in context for you. I'm the oldest of 5 girls. The male anatomy is not something I am very familiar with. (I sound like a real prude don't I.) I didn't have the advantage of watching my mother go through a similar experience.

So, when my husband starts to worry that my son's circumcision is not healing correctly I start to feel a huge responsibility for preserving my son's future ability to fit in with his peers. But the doctor did not agree with my husband and we moved on and everything was fine.

When my second son was born I had a much stronger opinion about having this procedure done. I really didn't see the purpose and I knew it meant more work for me in those first few weeks. In fact, I have described it as unnecessary violence. However, because we made the decision to do it for my older son, it seemed wrong to make a different decision with the second one.

Now, my younger son really is having some issues with his circumcision. Basically, the skin is growing back in the places where it was removed. Good grief!

At the risk of being just a little too graphic - living with all these penises is starting to get to me.

Now That I'm 35

2009-06-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

This last birthday felt significant to me.

I feel older. And tired. The late night and early morning feedings don't help much. :)

It's been a rough year and things don't seem to be settling down yet.

Our parents are having significant health problems. We're in debt up to our eyeballs. We're all on anti-depressants. You know...the usual life stuff.

A few months ago I was really depressed. And I was struggling with what seemed like an overwhelming load of obligations. Turns out I have post-pardum depression.

Funny thing is, if it weren't for my two boys, my life would be void of so much beauty. I would miss out on watching my older son pretend his fishing hat is a cowboy hat. And I would be missing out on receiving that BEAMING smile from my six month old when I talk to him. Or the way my baby coos in my ear when I hold him close. Or the way my three year old says, "Hi, Mama!" in his purely unique and totaly cute way.

I spent most of my birthday with my kids (since it was Monday and my husband was at work) and we had a GREAT day. Of course, neither of my children really understand what birthdays are yet. We did a bunch of things I wanted to do. I think if I had really thought about it I would have asked for some time off from the kids for my birthday, but I didn't and I'm really glad for that.

The Season We're In

2009-03-03T13:15:00.001-08:00

I've tried to write at least 3 different post in the last couple of months, but none of them got published.

Life is a little crazy right now.

My son was born on Christmas Day, at home, in a tub. It was INTENSE - that's the best word to describe it.

Being a full time mom of two is definately something that requires way more patience and energy that I ever thought possible.

Right now, both of my kids and I are in the midst of cold and flu season. Being sick (even if the cold doesn't knock you on your butt) and having two sick kids is really an experience I could not have understood until I was in the midst of it. It's a day to day way to live. And it's always so sad when the little babies are sick.

Last night my husband came home at 8pm after working all day and attending a meeting at church. I asked him to put the older boy to bed - since I was nursing the younger one - and after I was done nursing I went to bed. (I don't even think I kissed my husband good night)

Today as I dropped my older son off with my in-laws for their weekly play date my mother-in-law reminded me that Saturday is our anniversary. They graciously offered to watch the kids so we could celebrate. Needless to say I was a little embarassed to need my mother-in-law to remind me of that. I'm also not ready to leave my 2 month old (even for a couple of hours) with anyone else.

On Sunday both of the boys will be dedicated at church and we've invited a ton of people to come over and have lunch with us to celebrate this very important event. And after lunch my husband goes back to church for a church council meeting.

And that's just the way it is righ tnow.

On Saturday we may just send the older boy to the in-laws, order a pizza and watch an OnDemand movie to celebrate our 6 years together. That doesn't mean I don't adore my husband or love our marriage...that's just the season we're in.

12 Days Overdue - Update

2008-12-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I got out of the house for the first time in two days.

We successfully made it to the store and back in our newly acquired winter wonderland and as I was walking into the house (through the garage) I slipped and fell.

The baby is fine. But I was a little worse for wear. I managed to pull something in my groin that made it extremely hard to walk and at one point I could not lay down on my side (which is the only way I can lie down because of the big belly).

I called the midwife and she recommended some amazing homeopathic ointment (let me know if you need to know what it is...I HIGHLY recommend it for sports type injuries). But the heartbreaking news was that we would probably be rescheduling induction because of all the pain and lack of mobility due to this injury. We were hoping to try inducing today.

However, I am feeling ALOT better this morning. I'm hoping we can try to move forward with induction today - but we won't know until later this afternoon.

That's the latest update. I was pretty upset yesterday, but I'm feeling much more hopefully today.

10 Days Overdue

2008-12-21T12:18:00.000-08:00

Well, my due date has come and gone...again.

I really thought I would handle it better this time around (IF it should happen). But I'm going a little bit bonkers here. I think I did fine until I hit 41 weeks. But every little thing that complicates my life (snow, a headache, a grumpy 2 year old, a grumpy husband) seems so huge to me right now.

I keep praying for Jesus to help me trust him. Since my first son was born right at 42 weeks (which for those of you counting would put me at Christmas Day this time around), I learned that I could birth a healthy baby naturally and not have any postpardum complications. In fact, I was so energized by NOT being pregnant I remember those first 6 months (before lack of sleeps really started to get to me) as some of the most joyful moments in my life.

Even as I write this my heart is calmed by the faithfulness God has shown me through childbirth.

Most often, I'm just tired of the kind of tired that comes from being pregnant. I have to say no to alot of activities with my 2 year old right now and that is SO hard...probably a sign of the things to come and probably not entirely a bad thing for my 2 year old...but it's still hard.

At this point in my last pregnancy, I was entering the hospital to be induced. The process of induction was 4 days long. This is not the path I want to take this time around. I am unconvinced that all the interventions I had last time did much good. But on Tuesday, if I still haven't had this baby, there will be some options we can try that don't require me to go to the hospital.

Pray for me!

Four Weeks To Go

2008-11-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

That's right. As of today, I am four weeks from my due date. This baby boy is comming soon.

I'm not in a huge hurry. Four weeks sounds just fine with me. ( BUT I reserve the right to change my mind as the day gets closer)

My belly is big and I'm pretty emotional right now.

At church a couple of weeks ago, I was asked to acknowledge one of our members who would be moving to a new assisted living facility. As you might imagine he is limited by a wheelchair and sometimes he can be very hard to understand, but he had a few things he wanted to say so I handed him the mic. After he was done sharing, I looked at him and told him he was a great blessing to our church and that we would miss him. While I spoke those words he started crying. So, I started crying and made a bee line back to the podium to keep the service moving forward. My next line was a squeaky and tearful tearful, "Church, it's offering time!" Luckily, the congregation laughed with me and together we acknowledged the awkwardness of my attempt to move on in my emotional state. That gave me a few seconds to fan myself with a tissue and wonder if it was a good idea for me to be in front of the church anymore.

Popcicles in November

2008-11-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

Maybe if we lived in the southern parts of the country this would not seem so strange. Maybe if I was a child it wouldn't seem strange.

But I'm a woman in her mid-thirties enjoying a popcicle and a warm jacket with her two year old out on the back patio in November.

No. Not 'Mom'. 'Dad'.

2008-11-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

Lately, my son has been calling my husband, "Mom".

My son joyful greats my husband as he walks into the room with, "Hi, Mom!".

And my husband says, "No. Not 'Mom'. 'Dad'." My husband says these words firmly but not in an upset or stern manner.

I'm afraid it makes me smile every time I see this interaction.

What's funny is that my son was doing great with his "Hi, Dad!" and "Hi, Mom!" just a few weeks ago.

I guess that last business trip was just a little too long. :)

UPDATE: It seems that most adults are Mom right now. He has also used "Hi, Mom!" with my sister and one of my good friends as the happiest greeting he knows how to give. I think this makes my husband feel a little better.

A Sweet Moment

2008-08-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my two year old to my midwife appointment. He was a little cautious in this new enviornment. When the midwife took my blood pressure he was worried it was hurting mommy. And then when the midwife was listening to the baby's heartbeat he was worried again that it was hurting mommy.

He even said "OUCH!" while the midwife was listening to the baby's heartbeat.

I responded by saying, "No, ouch, Baby."

"OUCH!" he said again with a furrowed brow.

"No, Baby. No ouch. Mommy is just fine." I replied again.

By the time the midwife was putting her equipment away my son had lifted up his shirt to show his belly and then asked, "More and more?"

Simple Summer Pleasures

2008-08-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

Picking blackberries for my son to eat as we take our morning walk.

Trees hanging heavy with not quite ripe apples and pears.

Watching the grapes on the neighbors fence get a little bit bigger every day.

Playing at the park with friends.

Little boys with farmer tans.

"America's Most Powerful Religious Leader"...REALLY?

2008-08-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

Has anyone see the cover of the new Newsweek?

I'm a bit torn about what to think about Rev. Warren these days. I'm not doubting the motives of his heart.

But does he really represent the American Evangelical movement as a whole?

And if that answer to the above question is YES, is that a good thing?

I'm also diappointed in our culture that can only acknowledge a movement based on the places (churches) that draw the most people. Aren't there alot of great things happening in small congregations around the country, as well?

Just a bunch of questions today.

Another Son

2008-07-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today we had our ultrasound.

And we're having another boy! Is this the generation of boys or what!!??

This is my parent's 5th grandchild...all boys.

To tell you the truth, I couldn't be happier!

Even in the ultrasound, he seems to be a totally different child from the first one. Does that sound silly?

Anyways, I'm happy and grateful for God's amazing provision.

My Suggestions for a "Pick Me Up"

2008-06-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

I know this song is a couple years old...but it still gets me going!

Enjoy!

Another Homegoing

2008-06-18T07:43:00.000-07:00

Another member of our fellowship passed a few weeks ago and his homegoing was celebrated last Wednesday. Unfortunately, I was very ill and could not make the service. This man has another story of a hard, hard life. His body was beat up from war and drug abuse. And his passing was sudden and unexpected.

Yesterday, I heard some stories from the memorial service that remind me of why I love Jesus and the community He has placed me in.

I heard stories of men of God (my brothers) speaking to the adult children of the man who had passed in ways they had never heard their father spoken about before. They heard heartfelt stories of the servant who entered our fellowship only desiring to serve God and serving so many of us in the process.

The night of the service, in a hotel hot tub, two of this man's children were baptized - joining the family of faith that their father desperately hoped they would become a part of. The other two rededicated their live to Jesus.

Praise be to Him, from whom all good things come.

The Wierdest Hour of the Day

2008-06-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

It's almost 5:30pm and I am expecting either my phone to ring or my front door to open. Just minutes ago I could have sworn my almost 2 year old was calling "Daddy! Daddy!" and I spontaneaously broke into a "Daddy Come Home" song.

My mom often tells of when we all waited for my dad to come home on week nights. According to ledgend, the Ramirez girls (all six of us including my mother) would, literally put our heads together and chant, "Daddy, come home. Daddy, come home. Daddy, come home." Usually this ritual would happen somewhere around the 20th time the question, "When's daddy going to be home?" was uttered.

For those of you who stay at home and await the arrival of your spouse, do you have a ritual you do with the kids to help them pass the time?

(Just to keep you up to date: my hubby called while I was composing this post.)

One Reaction to Blues Clues

2008-06-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

The first time my husband saw a bit of Blues Clues he turned to me with a concerned look and asked, "Who is that mildly retarded man?"

My Favorite "More"

2008-06-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

My son loves the word "more".

In his lexicon it is an overarticulated "moowr". The 'm' is long and so is the 'ow'. It sounds alot like "mower" with very little emphasis on the "-er". He works so hard each and every time to get this incredibly important word out of his mouth.

"More" means lots of things. Sometimes it mean "More yogurt, please." Sometime it means, "Bounce that ball again, Mommy." Sometimes it means, "Can I watch another video?"

But my favorite use of this important word comes out when his daddy gets home. After my husband changes his clothes and settles on the couch my son stands next to the couch and says, "MOOWR".

Usually, my son gets the response, "More what, son?"

And then my son extends his hand to his father and says again, "MOOWR."

"You want me to chase you?" my husband finally responds.

"Uh", my son grunts in affirmation. And the chase is on.

The Gift of a Midwife

2008-06-01T08:54:00.001-07:00

In case you hadn't heard, I am pro-midwife.

Since we had lived in Seattle for only about 6 months before I got pregnant, I really didn't have many women to talk to about referrals for midwives. So, I got on-line. I found a couple of private practice midwives and one of them stood out to me, so I called.

Turns out she is a Christian. So she would pray for me at each and every pre-natal appointment. Around my 15th week of pregnancy I started to feel pretty good. I felt so good that I was bored. I told my midwife how I was feeling and the very next week I was attending the "Mom's Group" at her church. That's when my life in Seattle changed.

I was the only woman there that didn't have any kids. Really it was a play group, but since my midwife felt called to care for mother with kids younger than her own, she called it a "Mom's Group". And after a couple of awkward weeks of explaining that the only child I had was the one inside my belly I met some women that invited me to their weekly small group, which they called "parish groups". These were the first people in almost a year of living in Seattle that actually made an effort to get to know us.

During this time I also started providing childcare for my midwife. In hindsight, she was definitely trusting me with a lot after knowing me for only a short amount of time. Being able to take care of her kids also allowed me to get to know her better and we became good friends.

After my husband and I attended the parish group a couple of times we started attending Sunday worship. During the days we were in the hospital awaiting our son's birth the associate pastor called to check on us. After our son was born, women from this same church whom I had never met cooked and delivered dinners and gifts on a daily basis for the first week and a half of my son's life. One of my son's favorite blankets is one that was crocheted by one of the older members of the congregation that makes these blankets for the first born in each family in the church - a woman I have still never met. We never became members of this church, but they always treated us like family.

As I began anew the search for a midwife for my second pregnancy and delivery my needs are very different. The first time around my husband and I really needed a community to love us through this huge transition in our lives. God used our midwife to help provide that for us.

I'm excited to see what is in store of us this time, with new midwives with new gifts and wisdom to share.

Coming Out of The Fog

2008-05-24T06:31:00.001-07:00

Sorry about the blank-ness of this post. I was composing on my Blackberry and then I got distracted and somehow the title got posted but not any of the text.

As the title states, it seems that I'm emerging from the morning sickness fog. I haven't thrown up for almost 2 weeks (Praise be to God!). I'm still experiencing some intense nausea and I'm definately still running at a lower energy level, but I can see the light.

Oh that sweet first trimester

2008-05-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

I'm about 10 weeks into my pregnancy and this week was been the hardest week yet.

I wake up with headaches that I didn't have when I fell asleep.

I throw up way more than I did during my last pregnancy.

I cry WAY too easily. (for those of you who know me...pretend like this is a new thing)

Admittedly, I am terrible about pregnancy. The miracle of life that is occuring inside of me gets totally lost in my constant struggle to figure out what my body will be like on any given day.

Will I be sick this morning? Will I be able to take my usual walk and still function tomorrow? Will this headache go away if I rest long enough? Will I be able to look at the ketsup bottel today without wanting to hurl?

This part of the miracle of life will pass. God willing, it will get more comfortable, but does that doesn't mean that what's happening right now isn't equally beautiful.

Is there something distracting you from the miracles God is working in your life?

Our Loss

2008-03-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, March 9th, 2008 a member of my immediate church family took his own life.

My first recollection of him is from December of 2007. He gave a testimony in church about having somewhere to go for Thanksgiving for the first time in a very long time. He glowed about the friends he had made at our church and was excited to share this joy with the rest of us. I remember getting misty eyed and saying to myself, "You're right, Jason. The people here are at this little church ARE wonderful. Thank you for the reminder."

In the months that followed I would not have many interactions with this man, but there is one moment that stands out in my mind when he talked to my son. He was just saying good morning but he was so happy to talk to my son, that my son matched his enthusiastic greeting. Turns out that lots of the moms at our church had similar stories.

Jason had a son that he was separated from but talked of constantly. Jason had spent time on the street. Even those who spent a significant amout of time with him did not know how to contact his mother. He had been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a long time.

What I know about Jason I only know because he is gone. I only know this information because conversations were had regarding his passing at our church staff meetings and during the memorial service.

However, this loss hit me harder than I expected. Part of my sadness was that this man was younger than I am and the service was being done in my church and many of my closest church family members attended, essentially Jason was a part of my peer group. The other part of my sadness is the disappointment that comes from the fact that I didn't ever take any initiative to know this man. I was forced to look at who I choose to spend time with and why I choose to spend time with those people. My prejudice and/or fear of those who come from different places was exposed in an unavoidable way.

It was clear during the memorial service that I was not the only one confronting this sin.

Our First Overnighter Without the Baby

2008-02-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

Last night we left our one and a half year old with the grandparents so we could go to Seattle for an overnight trip. It was the first time he was without either of us overnight.

The trip was my husband's idea. Have I ever mentioned how smart my husband is? If not, let me mention right now...he's wicked smart!

This was our way of celebrating Valentines Day and it was really wonderful! We piggybacked a business opportunity Patrick had in Seattle and decided to stay in our favorite hotel. My husband made reservations at the fabulous restaurant in the hotel but we stayed in, ordered room service and watched a movie. If you know us, this is our idea of a GREAT time.

This morning we slept until we wanted to wake up (this is probably the second coolest things about a trip without the baby) walked to The Market and ate at our favorite French bakery then we walked up to Westlake Center and did a little shopping and alot of looking.

I've always affirmed the need for parents to have date nights and things of that sort. I am now a firm believer of the importance of parents having overnight trips to reconnect with their spouse and have some child free fun. So, if you are a parent and you haven't done this for a while, make some effort to make it happen. You'll thank me for it!

Thursday and Friday

2008-02-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

My perspective changed dramatically on Thursday and Friday of this first week of Lent. After a horrible annual meeting I met with our pastor on Thursday to talk over a job description for a volunteer staff position I'll be doing. It was my opportunity to get our Pastor's take on the meeting that had me all confused earlier in the week. After voicing my concerns he shared his perspective - which in short goes something like this - "For me it's a bit of a releif. Now everything is on the table and we can deal with it." These were definately comforting thoughts. Of course, for those of you who know ICC, if you are talking about a leadership position with the pastor you will probably have plent to do in a very short amount of time.

I didn't sleep well Thursday night.

Most of Friday was spent setting up interviews for a new administrative person for the church (our current admin resigned about two weeks ago)..for interviews that pastor wanted to happen on Monday, write a job description for myself, and try to think through and rally some help for a 5 week "prayer initiative" that the pastor is starting...today.

And my Friday was FABULOUS! It was so great to start using some of the gifts that I hadn't used much since I quit working to have a baby. The kicker is I get to use those gifts directly for the benefit of a church body in order to help us accomplish the work of the Kingdom. How awesome is THAT! On Fridays my son and his cousin hang out with my folks so it gave me the perfect opportunity to be on the phone and email alot of the day. (thank you, Lord)

In general, Friday ended up being a great day of feasting. Feasting on the grace that God had provided for me.

Ash Wednesday

2008-02-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

Last night we acknowledged our sinfulness at our Ash Wednesday service.

It was a very different type of service than most at ICC. It was quiet and simple and mostly organized and facilitated by women.

Certainly, ICC is in a different and more difficult place than ever before. Starting in January our pastor became a half-time employee of the church. It was not his desire to go to half time but a decision made in light of the reality of our current income.

Our Ash Wednesday service was the first service to follow our annual meeting. This year's annual meeting (and I will qualify this statement by saying I've only been to a handfull of annual meetings) was very ugly. I'm still confused by some of the disrespect and outright meanness that I witnessed my church family inflict on one another.

In one respect it seems totally appropriate to have these struggles during this time in the church calendar. God has provided us an opportunity to be clear about our brokenness as individuals and as a church body.

As I continue to talk with folks about our current state of affairs I'm hearing some scary things. And most of these things involve and contribute to divisions among our congregation.

My question is how do we (as a congregation) get back to Jesus as our focal point? How do we get back to the truth of that scarificial love that frees us to love one another in the way we ought to?

Honestly, I don't know. But I'm going to keep asking until He answers me.

Rollin' to the ABQ

2008-01-29T10:57:00.000-08:00

My middle sister lives in Albuquerque, NM. Late last week my one and half year old son and I flew to the ABQ to visit her and her very sweet husband.

Have you ever flown alone with a one and half year old? I don't recommend it.

Let me start by saying my son was ROCK STAR on the plane. He sat in his seat by himself and really seems to enjoy it most of the time.

The tricky part was the airport.

We arrived early for our departing flight since (usually) that makes me feel better about the whole flying experience. I hate to be rushed. My father came inside with me so that he could watch the baby while I checked us in. The guy checking us in actually REFUNDED my son's ticket since the flight was not very full and my son was under two years old. Everything was going really well until we hit the line for security.

I did not bring a stroller for my son because he's not so hip on those things these days. He's all about this new found freedom that walking and running brings to his life. Does this help you imagine how much he DOESN'T understand waiting in line (especially when there is no shopping cart to sit in)?

I'm also wearing a back pack that weighs about 15 lbs and I'm trying to convince my young son that he needs to either let me hold him OR stand right by me while we wait in a line surrounded by transit security officers. I keep assuring him that this will be the hardest part of the whole trip and that once we get to the other side of all that machinery he'll be able to run around all he wants. Somehow, these reassuring words don't really help. He wiggles, and whines, and bolts in the direction of said security officers. I'm sweating before we even reach the x-ray machines.

It's our turn to unload the requires items so the machine can scan them and we can clear the metal detector. I manage to get my shoes off (even though I can't really remember how) after I've removed his shoes and my backpack, jacket, and his jacket - and trying to remember my boarding pass to flash at the lady waiting for us at the metal detector. The kind man attending the machine that scans all of these items helped me by taking my laptop out of my backpack for me.

We make it through the metal detector and are deemed safe by TSA. (Do they ever really do a "random" baggage search on parents traveling alone with kids? ) Now, I've got to collect all our belongings, put our shoes back on and find a way to carry everything else and hold on to my son while doing all of these things. I tried sitting him on the bench provided for putting your shoes back on, but he was not in the mood to sit ANYWHERE. Eventually I managed to trap him between my right thigh and right elbow as I finished tying my shoes.

The worst was past us. It would be another hour and a half before our flight left and for the most part it went well -thanks mostly to a play areas for kids that was at the end of the terminal. Our last big challenge occurred as I tried to get us some food to eat before the flight left. My son did not react differently when asked to wait in line (a shorter but slower line) again.
But we did accomplish our goal and were rewarded with our chicken nuggets and fries.

The trip home included more of the same and the added complexity of changing planes in Salt Lake City. As we exited the plane in Salt Lake City I was very hungry and my blood sugar as a little low. Our first order of business was to get food. So, we waited in another line until we had our black bean burrito and them went back to the gate to eat. But my son was not that excited about sitting and eating. He wanted to run around. I didn't really blame him. After sitting in a plane for two hours, walking around sounded great, but mama was desperate for some food. So our little airport picnic involved taking a bite of the burrito and them dashing off to catch my son who was running as fast as he could down the concourse. But that smile he gave me when I would finally catching him...made most of the work worth it.

I'm so very grateful for the opportunity to spend time with my sister and her husband - especially since in a few short months they will have a baby of their own.

What will I do differently next time? Bring another adult. :)

"How's living at your parent's house?"

2008-01-13T08:51:00.000-08:00

In the three and a half months that we've been in my parent's house I've been asked this question several times. And my answer usually goes something like this, "It's great!" Sometimes I'm as surprised by my answer as other folks.

All things considered living with my parents has been pretty enjoyable. My folks have pretty good boundaries and are able to let us do what we need to do and they feel free to do what they need to do.

Even my husband doesn't really complain about living here.

There are a couple of things that make living with my folks more time consuming than just living with my husband and my son. First, there are two more people in the house. Relationships take time and since I want to have relationships with my parents I tend to want to sit down and talk with them. Second, we live on the other side of town from our church and most of our close friends. We spend allot of time in the car driving up and down 99E.

Originally we talked with my parents about staying with them for "a couple of months". Now, it looks like we'll be here for about 5 more months. My parents have been nothing but gracious to us. They don't seem at all bothered by how long we might need to stay. They never make us feel ashamed of the fact that we need their help.

In short, living with my parents is a gift. A beautiful, undeserved gift.

Post Christmas Reflections

2007-12-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

I love Advent. Since I was raised Catholic the colors and some of the traditions of advent (like an advent wreathe) only become richer symbols to me as I get older. The anticipation of the greatest gift ever is exciting and I love having four weeks to be reminded to soak in that anticipation.

The first two weeks of advent were great. Christmas gifts were in their beginning stages of creation. The advent/Christmas banner was hung in the church. And I started rehearsals with the choir for our Christmas celebration. But by week three I was in a world of hurt. My calendar had become too full. I made too many promises to do things that sounded good but that couldn't get done unless other things (maybe even better things) were sacrificed. I teetered on the edge of my limits. I also hurt some feeling when I had to bow out of activities because I had become so over committed.

The one thing that kept me from losing my mind was to keep telling myself that I could learn from this experience. I could learn about what things were life giving and important for my connection to the season and which things I should probably not commit to next time.

One thing I really love to do is be available on short notice when others need a hand. Christmas time is busy for all of us and I love when I can be the type of person available to help on the fly.

So, I've created a few general guidelines that I hope will help me not become such an over committed mess next year. I'll let you know how it goes.

Anyone up for going to Disneyland for Thanksgiving?

Drinking From My Saucer

2007-11-26T13:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday our pastor shared an old country song that contains the words, "I'm drinking from my saucer,'Cause my cup has overflowed" (the site i've linked to is SO cheezy but it's the right song). And that is exactly where my heart was at by the time he shared this little song.

It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving and it was definitely appropriate to share the things we are grateful for at church. What I heard from those who felt called to share, was that they were grateful for the gifts God had given them through our congregation. Gifts of time, interest, investment, and prayers. Simple but powerful things.

Our congregation is still in a bit of a weird place but everyone seems hopeful that we can heal and move forward on the path God has for us. And in general, it seems that we are committed to one another - I might even go so far to say that we have an unspoken commitment to learning what it means to truly and rightly love one another. That's certainly where my heart is, and I don't think I'm alone.

I'm thankful to be back with this group of people struggling to figure out how to be obedient to our great God.

Psalm 51 & Safeway

2007-11-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

A little over a week ago I thought I'd lost my wallet at the neighborhood Safeway. I remember making a mental note at the check stand that I had not returned my wallet to my purse but had tossed it into the grocery cart. No less than two minutes later I'm telling myself,"Go ahead and leave the cart at the door. You can carry the baby, your purse, and the two bags of groceries to the car. No problem." I'm sure you mothers out there can recognize this train of thought. Instead of leaving the baby in the car by himself for literally one minute to return the cart, you leave the cart in an appropriate place and carry the baby and groceries to the car. As you can imagine, my wallet was sitting at the bottom of the grocery cart as I drove out of the parking lot that day.

I didn't realize what I'd done until I'd left the house again to get some lunch after putting the baby down for a nap and putting the groceries away. After explaining to the woman at the drive thru that I'd left my wallet at the store, I raced back to Safeway praying that I'd see my cute red wallet waiting for me in the cart right where I'd left it.

Earlier that morning my husband and I had discussed reducing the price of our house in Seattle for the second time. We also discussed the preparations for breaking into our retirement account since we would probably not be making an income before we ran out of money. These two things were hard for me to accept. Especially, making the move to start using money from our retirement account. I was already feeling very vulnerable that day and then to have been so careless as so leave my wallet at the bottom of the grocery cart seemed to add insult to injury. On top of $30 cash my debit, Visa, drivers license, and possibly my social security card were thought to be in that wallet.

I pulled into the parking lot right next to where I'd left the cart but there was no red wallet at the bottom of any of those carts. Trying hard to be optimistic I said to myself, "Have faith in your fellow man and believe that someone turned it in." I waited in line in customer service and they told me that no wallet had been turned in. The woman at the counter told me curtly, "You better cancel your cards immediately."

I got to the car and pushed back the tears as I called my husband.

"How are you?" my husband asked.

"Not so good." I answered

Through my tears I managed to tell him I'd left my wallet at the Safeway and most likely someone had taken it.

"I just don't want anyone to steal more of our money!" I sobbed, as my husband told me he was on his way home to help me deal with canceling the cards and making sure no one could steal my identity.

I felt so stripped of protection in that moment. I felt raw, exposed, and vulnerable in a way I'm very unfamiliar with. But it didn't feel like a bad place to be. For the last few months I've been able to protect my heart with anger and bitterness. But enough of our security (a home of our own, a job, a retirement fund, an idea about what tomorrow might look like) was gone that I couldn't protect myself anymore. It felt like the most honest place I'd been in months.

There is freedom in the the truth that we are broken and exposed. There is great room for God to be the Lord of our lives.

And as it turned out, God didn't even need to make me replace all of my identification to teach this lesson. An hour after my visit to customer service I called again and someone had turned in the wallet.

"You require truth, in the inward parts...A broken spirit and a contrite heart."

Feelin' Good

2007-10-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

Do you know the Michael Buble version of this song? It's the first thing running through my head when I see the words "Feelin' Good". The music is quickly followed by those funny Australian ladies on Kath & Kim.

ANYWAYS....

I've been such a downer lately on this blog! What's up with that?

I guess I'm just here to report that after returning from a 5 day trip to Sun River with my sisters, their husbands, our kids and my parents, I am finally feeling like things are good. They aren't perfect, but that doesn't bother me as much these day. :)

No, my therapist did not put me on any psychotropic drugs.

I think, even amongst the chaos that IS my life, I'm feeling more settled and a lot more comfortable.

God is good.

Reality

2007-10-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

Now that we are back in P-town and back at our "home church". We are finding our selves in an interesting situation. There is some pretty intense upheaval going on at our church right now. I've read a few things about "the state of the North American church" and saw that my home church was practicing those older and relatively ineffective practices and I would get excited about being a part of positive change. I read passionate blog posts about the way things should be done and I am energized and praying for these things to happen in our congregation. I know it is our heart to be "missional". And I think that time has come.

What I didn't realize is that this sort of change can be (and might often be) initiated by some very painful issues that folks are no longer able to tolerate. I have never seen this need for change surface before in such a violent manner. It really is an eruption of sorts. Decisions made in upwards of 10 years ago are coming back to haunt us. Attitudes of supremacy are being recognized for what they really are and now we have to unravel what feels like a lifetime of tangled mess in order to heal and move onto a new place. It's not going to be pretty and it's not going to be quick. We are either going to move into a completely new and wonderful place OR die (meaning this congregation will no longer exist) trying.

FOCUS!!

2007-10-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been suffering from an inability to focus.

I guess this could be a totally natural outcome from such a big life change. Moving into my parent's house with a one year old and an unemployed husband is not a small deal.

My son has been pretty tapped out. I've had to realize that he's been to SO many new places in the last two weeks - places that aren't completely new to me. He's also surrounded by a whole new cast of characters that he needs to get to know, as well. It's super fun having his grandmas and grandpas around so much, but it's also very distracting and a little exhausting. I don't know how much he can understand about the moving thing right now. Does he think this is temporary or permanent or does he only have the ability to understand that things have changed?

My marriage has also been really hard lately - not as hard as the week we moved - but still unusually hard. I'm finding that when my marriage is not working well, I really have a hard time focusing on anything else. Maybe this is what my husband feels like when he says he gets anxious when the house is a mess and he can't do anything until it's cleaned up.

We've been pretty busy visiting friends and family the last few weeks and I keep yearning to start feeling productive. My husband was talking about this time at my parents house as a healing and restorative time - but I guess he never used the word "productive". We'll probably just be settling into a nice routine and then move out into our own house.

Hopefully our next move - the one that will put us into the house we'll live in for a LONG TIME - will be a little less traumatic. But I'm not going to hold my breathe.

You might be asking, "Where's God in all this?" and that would be an appropriate question. God's here with us. I know this because even though I've not had a full night of sleep since we arrived, I can still smile at my son in the morning. And even though it seems like every little thing my husband and I say to each other is the wrong thing, the words "I'm sorry" and "forgive me" are still large parts of our conversations.

I should also mention what joy it is to be able to spend time with people that we love deeply. I should also mention the joy of "coming home". God puts us in different places for different reasons. And I'm not sure that I will ever understand when a place is supposed to feel like home and when it's not supposed to feel like home. All I know is when I made that drive down "the 5" into NE Portland I felt like I could breathe again and that's good enough for me.

Moved In (and YES we do have alot of CRAP)

2007-09-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Whew!

Thanks to my husband, brother-in-law, my brother-in-law's wife (is there any easier way to identify her?), and a handful of faithful friends...we have successfully moved out of our house in Seattle and are now in Portland!

I'm exhausted, the baby is a little confused, and my marriage certainly feels stretched, but my little family has moved into the top floor of my parent's house until we are able to buy a new house.

It's SO wonderful to be here! I thank God for the opportunity to be back in Portland. It's probably been too long since the last time I got to see my parent's and it's just so wonderful to be with people that know and understand me so well.

I'm not going to try to dig too deep right now. I'm still trying to feel like a human being right now. My big goals for tomorrow: take good care of the baby, take a shower, and change my clothes.

P.S. Thanks to all of you who have been keeping us in your prayers - we really needed it - and all in all - we're doing pretty well!

Moving and All That Crap

2007-09-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

We move home this Sunday, and you would think that I would be bouncing off the walls happy right now...but I'm not. Mostly I'm tired.

Truth be told, I really hate to move. Is it worth it to be in the city I love with a community that we feel called to? YES.

My husband is leaving his job to make this move and that's a huge deal. HUGE. We (meaning my husband) has not found a new job yet, which makes it an even bigger deal. So, he's dealing with lots of weird stuff and I'm dealing with lots of weird stuff and dealing with each other is just about impossible.

I hope this is one of those times where you just have to endure the crappy times so that you can arrive at a place where you can actually deal with the crappy stuff - because that's all I feel capable of right now.

The Blessing of Family

2007-09-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend I left my husband and son to be with parts of my family that I don't get to see very often. It was my intention to spend most of the weekend with some family that shares no blood lines with me. They are expecting a baby and I wanted a chance to see them and help them out a little. I remember that last month of pregnancy and I was hoping I could help them out by offering another set of hands to get everyday tasks accomplished. Friday was busy but good and Saturday started out great until I started to get a terrible headache followed by some nausea that ended up with me throwing up at my friends' house. So there I am, laying down on the 3 year-old's bed trying not to throw up again and my dear friend who has been taking care of his wife and two little kids - the one person who's load I was trying to lighten - was taking care of me, too.

I did make it back to my aunt's house for the rest of the day and she replaced my friend as my caretaker. She cooked me food that I barely ate and kept me company during the few minutes that I could stay up-right without feeling sick. By 10pm something changed and I started feeling much better.

By the morning I was still moving slowly but my nausea and headache were completely gone. My friends had loaned me their car so I needed to drop it back at their house and then my aunt and I were going to visit some more extended family for the afternoon. We visited my grandmother who doesn't remember me or her daughter anymore. It's been quite a few years since the last time I visited her and she looks great for 92, mostly because of the way she smiles. My great aunt (the woman I'm named after) lives in the same community so we got a chance to visit a little with her before we headed to my other aunt's house for my family's version of "Sunday supper". For as long as I can remember, my dad's family (at least the family that still lives in the Los Angeles area) gathers at my aunt's house after mass on Sunday. I have 16 first cousins on that side of the family. Since I'm one of the younger cousins, you might be able to put together that most of my cousins are married and/or have a few kids of their own.

It's always a wonderful treat to join this Sunday supper. I don't even see these people once a year and they treat me like I've been there every week. My cousins' kids include me in the goodbye ritual where they give all the adults a kiss goodbye. I get to hear about the latest news at the church they attend and in between interruptions I try to give them an update on my parents and sisters. I love it! I love the craziness that ensues as my cousins and the 7 kids they have with them try to get out the door so the kids can go swim at a different house. After they all said goodbye I think it was a good 20 minutes before they actually left.

As derailed as my original plans were this weekend, I got a chance to experience my family (blood related or not) in a very full way. I am so grateful for these grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins that show me what being part of a family is all about.

The Seasoning of My House

2007-08-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

I mentioned earlier that my son has been dis-placing the spice jars. Moving them from the drawer to the built in shelves across the room.

Lately we've found the spices in a couple of other spots, as well.

Like...curry powder on the bookshelf

and black pepper on the bath tub...

When the Gentle Nudge Becomes A Shove

2007-08-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

I used to work for a man who loved to talk about giving "gentle nudges" in order to affect a "one degree shift" or change. And I like this idea. Yeah...let's "nudge" each other in the right direction. It gives an impression of caring about good change but not shoving it down some one's throat. However, I find that sometimes, after a ton of gentle nudges, what I need is a swift kick in the rear.

For me right now these changes I need to make are relational. I have some serious hang ups about a couple of relationships that are always going to be a part of my life. To tell you the truth I don't think I know the real reasons why these relationships are so hard for me. But I have hardened my heart to these people and it's just plain wrong. My husband has had enough and I don't blame him.

I guess the only thing left to say is...please pray for me. Pray the God will soften my heart and help me build a new way of relating to these people.

The Ban Has Been Lifted

2007-08-16T07:12:00.001-07:00

I want to shout it from the blog-o-spheric rooftops:

WE'RE MOVING!!!

For several reasons it has not been appropriate for me to broach this subject in the blog-o-sphere until now. But it's been 9 months in the making.

My house is on the market. Half of our stuff has been packed and now one of my main objectives is to keep our house clean enough to show potential buyers.

My husband's last day at work is September 14th and promptly after that we will be headed south to stay with my parents until my husband finds work and we find a house. We are thinking this might take a couple of months. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

For now I bounce between elation at the thought of being back in our hometown and frantic moments of cleaning where I curse the decision that causes so much work.

Throughout this process we have asked God to help us do what he needs us to do. Several have joined us in this prayer and we are so grateful for an extended community that loves us in this way.

Here's the kicker - we still don't really know where we'll end up. There is a job opportunity even farther south that my husband is very excited about. We know we'll be with my parents for at least a little while, but it's possible that we'll moving away from home again. Here's where I have to add: Do any of us know when God will pick us up and move us to another place?

This journey has taught me allot about loving those God puts in front of you. I'm not saying that I've been great at it, but I definitely have a new perspective on building relationships that are not determined by how long that person will live in close proximity to you.

God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.

My Son the Flavor Expert

2007-08-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

My son is a fabulous eater. He has always loved to eat. And he's never really protested much about the food that is put before him. The only protest we get is when he is done eating and wants to get down from the highchair - that's when food ends up on the floor.

Lately my son's palate has become a little more discerning, but I'm actually encouraged by his choices. He likes his eggs with salsa (my folks are pretty proud of that one). He's also a big fan of this vegetable dish I make that has a Moroccan seasoning on it. Because of these two dishes he's not all that excited about plain eggs OR garbanzo beans without his Moroccan seasoning.

Last week I fixed a dish I've made several times that has a homemade mushroom cream sauce. I like this dish because instead of using the cream of mushroom out of a can you make a much lighter and more interesting version out of fresh ingredients. My son has always like this dish, as well. As most of us who have cooked the same dish several times, I decided I would make an experimental modification and add more shallots this time. The increase in the amount of shallots didn't really help - instead of a mild oniony taste it was kind of overpowering and a little off. Apparently, my son agreed. He ate the chicken and the pasta covered in this sauce but he was often making a pained face when he tasted it. It was as if he was saying, "This tastes familiar, but not quite right."

I recently lost my pantry space and have had to move my dried herbs and spices to one of the drawers in the kitchen. These drawers have been available to my son since he was able to reach and open them. One of his new favorite games is to move the spice jars from the drawer to the built-in shelved on the other side of the kitchen. Usually this process involves putting the lid of the jar into his mouth during transport. I keep trying to tell him that it's "yucky" and he makes the "yucky face" and then promptly puts the jar back into his mouth. Obviously my whole heart is not into this teaching opportunity, otherwise I'd be removing him from the situation as well as telling him that it's "yucky". Secretly I hope he's learning more about these spices than most of us will ever know because of our unwillingness to lick the tops of the jars!

Note: I HAVE permenently relocated the cayenne pepper and red chili flakes.

A Lovely Summer Dinner

2007-08-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

Just put this one together - it's delightful with flavors of summer, easy to prepare, and filling!

Lemon Basil Shrimp with Pasta

3 quarts water
8 oz uncooked spaghetti
1 lb peeled and deveined large shrimp
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil
3 tablespoons drained capers
2 tablespoons extravirgin olive oil
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups baby spinach
1 cup thinly sliced red bell pepper*

1. Bring salted water to a boil in dutch oven or large pot
2. Add pasta - cook 6-8 minutes
3. Add shrimp & red peppers to water with pasta and cook until shrimp are done and pasta is al-dente
4. Drain pasta, shrimp, & peppers
5. Place pasta mixture in a large bowl and add olive oil, capers, basil, lemon juice, and salt
6. Toss
7. Serve over small bed of baby spinach

ENJOY

*This recipe is from Sunset Magazine but the red bell peppers are my addition- really I think you could add any vegitable that you enjoy on the crunchy side that will not go to mush after 3 minutes in boiling water. :)

A Year Ago

2007-08-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

This week a year ago I was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of our first child. It's a LONG story so I'll try my best to give you a concise but thorough account.

I was 10 days overdue and our midwife agreed that induction was probably a good choice. For those of you familiar with birthplans, this was were my birthplan was thrown out the window. I was "planning" for a birth free from medical intervention.

So we entered the hospital at 7 am that Monday ready to see what induction was all about. They started us out on the gentlest medication and my water broke early the next morning. I was strep-B positive so after my water broke I needed a cycle of anti-biotics every 4 hours. I was not contracting much on this first medication so by noon the second day they brought in the petocin. The contractions were pretty regularly for the rest of the day but dilation wasn't. I labored through the rest of that day and got to about 2 cm. We agreed rest was probably the best course of action for the evening so they gave me some pain medication and did not increase my petocin. The morning of the third day we were ready to rock and roll. The game plan was to increase the petocin at regular intervals and hope of the best. This was probably the longest day of our journey. I labored all day with little results AND it seemed that the baby was getting particular about which positions I could be in. At one point the nurse suggested I get into the bath tub to help relax me and manage the pain a little. So, with much help with the monitors and IVs the nurses got me into the tub and just as I feeling the wonderfully soothing warm water...I was yanked (as much as a 10 month pregnant woman can be) right out of the tub. Apparently the baby's heart rate began to fall as I sat in the bath tub. I remember thinking that surely these nurses were being overly protective and that I should have been able to sit in that bath for a while longer - but I did what the professionals told me to do. I also remember dreading when the nurses would come into my room to increase the petocin. Watching that number rise on the machine that facilitated that flow of medicine was menacing. The kicker was that the contractions were painful but they still weren't helping me dilate much.

By the end of the third day I was 3 cm dilated and ready for something that would help move things along. We decided to get an epidural and crank up the petocin through the night in the hopes that I could make some progress while I slept. Remember I'm still getting IV antibiotics every 4 hours, I'm on petocin, and now I'm getting an epidural.

Here are some things I never knew about an epidural until I got one:

1. They are not always put in perfectly the first time

2. When they are not put in the exact center of your spine they distribute the pain medication unevenly

3. You need a urinary catheter when you are numb from the waist down

So, I've got two IV bags, one for the medicine to help me have contractions and one for the antibiotic to help prevent giving my baby the virus that I carry but that doesn't harm me. I also have pain medication being administered into my spine but it's inserted so that it's completely numbing the right side of my lower body but I'm still feeling the contractions on the left side of my body. I was told that if I laid on my left side then gravity would help the pain medication get to that side of my body. And it worked! However, my son's little heart rate started to fall again as I laid on my left side, so that plan was no good. Apparently, I was going to have to stay on my back. At some point during the night the baby's heart rate fell again and they ended up turning my petocin (the thing that was making me have contractions) OFF.

When I awoke the morning of the 4th day I was still at 3 cm and I wasn't very well rested because the contractions were strong enough on my left side to wake me up every so often before they turned my petocin down. After talking with the midwife we agreed that if I was not at 5 cm by noon that we would schedule a c-section. At this point my water had been broken for over 50 hours so they (I say "they" only because I don't remember being part of the decision) also decided to start giving me fluids intravenously so that the baby would have enough amniotic fluid to weather the rest of our labor journey.

I guess I should also tell you, I was blessed with an amazing portion of patience through out this week. I only had one melt down during that day that I labored through without pain medication. God was certainly with me, helping me take one thing at a time. Thankfully, at this point my body started to get with the program.

By noon I was 5 cm dilated and by 5 pm I was ready to start pushing. I pushed for 4 hours and thanks to my midwife and an amazing nursing staff that baby was born around 9pm on Thursday, without a c-section. :)

I did not get the baby on my chest the moment he was born for several reason. There was meconium in the amniotic fluid, the cord had been wrapped around his neck, I was strep-B positive, and he was HUGE, 10 lb 7 oz to be exact, which also contibuted to my 3rd degree tear. So, the moment he was born two or three pediatric nurses and an OBGYN were suddenly in the room. The bright lights were turned on so that the baby could be checked out and I could be cleaned up.

The baby was as healthy as a horse. No problems with meconium in his lungs, no strep-B, and no blood sugar issues (they usually test large babies for blood sugar issues). He had a very slight heart murmur but after a few more tests he was cleared to go home. (The doctor couldn't even find the murmur a few weeks later.) Just a great big healthy baby boy.

When I recount this story I'm still amazed at all the twists and turns that we encountered and I'm also incredibly grateful that at no time were either the baby or I in any real danger.

We may have waited 42 weeks but he was definitely worth waiting for. He's the coolest kid I've ever met and I'm pretty darn lucky to be able to spend the bulk of my time with him.

What a difference a year makes.

I love you, Bugg. Happy Birthday!

**Side Note: For the last hour I have been struggling to get my son to take a nap. So in between nursing, reading books, singing songs and seeing if the reason he's crying like that is because he's still hungry, I've been trying to finish this post. That's motherhood for ya!***

Holy Anniversary Sale Batman!

2007-07-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I love the sales at Nordstrom as much as the next girl but WOW was Nordstrom a mess at 9:30 this morning.

I think today was the first day of Nordstrom's Anniversary sale. On the way to the mall I heard about the sale on the radio but I've been in Nordstrom during their various sales so I didn't give it a second thought. Boy was I in for a surprise.

The parking garage was practically full. Women were pouring out of the mall with large white bags and matching garment bags. Young children were begging for their breakfast.

I was outside the Seattle city limits, on the "east side" at one of the bigger malls in the area. I was actually on a mission to find a Sanrio store - that mission was never accomplished.

Being taken by surprise by a sale of this magnitude when you were hoping to pop into the mall the moment it opens was a bit unsettling.

After reviewing this post - it's clear that I need to get a more interesting life. But, as always, I offer you what I have right now. :)

The $64,000 Question

2007-06-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

My friend MamaToo did a TT on all the ways she'd been asked if she planned on having more kids.

This is a very common question among women - especially to moms of young children. On Tuesday at the playgroup I lead a new woman arrived with her 11 month old son. Since it was only she and I for a while we had a chance to chat. And, of course, the question of more kids came up. She is pregnant with their second so that answers the question for her. And when she asked me if we were planning on having more...I just kinda stumbled out a, "I'm not sure." She asked me great questions trying to help me articulate what it was that was keeping me from knowing that I wanted more kids. I was never really able to give a confident or even convincing answer. I think I said something about being concerned for my emotional well being and having a desire to do some things outside of the home. Finally, she mentioned how laid back my son was. He was playing by himself with the fake food that goes with the play kitchen in the nursery.

And I said, "Yeah, he's really a pretty laid back kid. He's always been a really easy baby."

She replied, speaking to my son, "You are so content and your mama is trippin' about you."

She's right, I'm trippin'.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of going crazy - maybe not clinically insane - but close to it. I'm afraid that I'll "lose it" too often and create children that think they have to take care of their mother's emotional well being. I may be projecting a bit here. I am afraid of re-creating for my children the worst parts of my childhood. And in my heart of hearts I know this fear is not a good enough reason to not have kids.

And for some reason I always thought the idea of having kidS (note the plural) would be an easy one for me. I'm the oldest of five and have always loved coming from a big family. There are so many things about having several siblings that I feel are important and really wonderful.

Luckily, as time goes on, the sense of urgency to answer this question clearly is going away. I'm more OK saying,"I don't know if we'll have more kids." Hopefully, that means I'm laying this question in God's hands. As we all know, the stress starts when you think it's all up to you.

Ever Heard of Tribology?

2007-06-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

Tribology is the study of lubricants. And it is my middle sister's specialty. She's a mechanical engineer and her husband is a physicist. I was going to link you to their masters and Phd thesis but then I'd have to tell you their names and then I'd have to kill you because they work for the government at Sandia Labs in New Mexico. (I'm just kidding about the killing part.)

Ever looked around the table during a holiday meal and thought about what you are all doing with your lives. What kinds of education your siblings have and what kinds of occupations. It can be surreal to think that the little sister that I used to draw on as a young child is helping first generation college attendees learn how to cope with college life. And as talented as my sisters are my brothers-in-law are equally amazing in how they have chosen to contribute to society and earn a living.

As the oldest I often have to work hard to look at my siblings and their husbands as adults. And the truth is they are all quite amazing people. They are interesting, caring, and very smart.

What a blessing!

Tagged

2007-06-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

MamaToo tagged me.

I'm supposed to write 7 random things about myself, so here goes:

1.) As I write this my 10 month old is watching The Backyardigans - which is also one of my favorite cartoons.

2.) I was born in Bellflower, California.

3.) This year, for my birthday, my husband gave me a gift every day for the week preceding my birthday. All of these gifts were hardbound copies of my most favorite books.

4.) Just like MamaToo, I spent some time in Germany. I lived there for two years from the ages of 10 to 12. Unlike MamaToo I speak German pretty well. However, even though I am half Mexican, I do not speak any Spanish.

5.) I own at least 4 copies of J.R.R. Tolkien's Fellowship of the Ring (the book not the movie).

6.) The first sport I ever participated in was gymnastic - balance beam was my best event with a high score of 7-something. I'm not bragging, just showing you that I really wasn't all that great at it. :)

7.) I'm haunted by the question of whether or not I'll have more children. I just don't know the answer and it bugs me that I don't know.

Well, there you go...seven random facts...and now the hard part (because I'm not sure I know 7 bloggers that haven't already been named):

Hummel Family, Meloknee, and that's the best I can do right now....

Volf and Bonhoeffer on Tuesday Morning

2007-06-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

"Is the scandal of the cross good enough reason to give up on it? Let me respond by noting that there is no genuinely Christian way around the scandal. In the final analysis, the only available options are either to reject the cross and with it the core of the Christian faith or to take up one's cross, follow the Crucified - and be scandalized ever anew by the challenge. As the Gospel of Mark reports, the first disciples followed and were scandalized (14:26ff.). Yet they continued to tell the story of the cross, including the account of how they abandoned the Crucified. Why? Because precisely in the scandal, they have discovered a promise. In serving and giving themselves for others (Mark 10:45), in lamenting and protesting before the dark face of God (15:34), they found themselves in the company of the Crucified. In his empty tomb they saw the proof that the cry of desperation will turn into a song of joy and that the face of God will eventually 'shine' upon a redeemed world."

Miroslav Volf, Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation

"...Whether we really have found God's peace will be shown by how we deal with the suffering that will come upon us. There are many Christians who do indeed kneel before the cross of Jesus Christ, and yet reject and struggle against every tribulation in their own lives. They beleive they love the cross of Christ, and yet they hate the cross in their own lives. And so in truth they hate the cross of Jesus Christ as well, and in truth despise that cross and try by any means possible to escape it. Those who acknowledge that they view suffering and tribulation in their own lives only as something hostile and evil can see from this very fact that they have not at all found peace with God. They have basically merely sought peace with the world, believing possibly that by means of the cross of Jesus Christ they might best come to terms with themselves and with all their questions, and thus find inner peace of the soul. They have used the cross, but not loved it. They have sought peace for their own sake. But when tribulation comes, that peace quickly flees them. It was not peace with God, for they hated the tribulation God sends."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Sermon on Romans 5:1-5, March 9, 1938, Gross Schloenwitz, Collective Pastorate

What Kind of Day is She Having?

2007-06-06T07:34:00.001-07:00

Growing up in my house, it was not uncommon for my sisters and I to ask each other what kind of mood our mother was in that day. My mom had some pretty intense mood swings and it really sucked to be caught off guard when my mom was having a bad day. My younger sisters remember this less than us "older kids". I'm pretty sure the hysterectomy and consequent hormone therapy evened out my mother's mood swings making my younger sisters' adolescence a tiny bit smoother than mine.

Being the oldest of five I had a huge sense of needing to be sure that everything was done to ensure that we did not anger my mother any further when she was having a bad day. This was not easy. I was of course living under the delusion that I could "fix" my mother's mood - make it all better. As I reflect on those time I feel sad for my 12 year old self doing anything and everything to try to flip the switch that would make my mom the happy version of herself.

My thirty-something self is all too familiar with the reality of the good and the bad days. I have only recently emerged from a string of bad days. A few weeks ago, as I was taking a walk, I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe, I'm just not a happy person." I wonder if that's how my mother felt on her bad days, too.

Some recent events have transpired in the last few days that I am sure I could not have delt with if I were still in that string of bad days. When I think about this I am amazed and deeply curious. I'm amazed that God's grace is so practical sometimes. Through my ability to deal with these recent events I have been able to bless and honor my husband, something I have not been doing very well lately. All of this makes me deeply curious about what God is up to in our lives. This could just be a gracefilled time designed to reinforce and bless our marriage OR it could be a little more than that.

A few years ago I was talking with a friend of mine and we were both feeling that life was getting significantly harder. The hard times were really hard, but we surmised that the good times were better than ever and that the two were probably linked.

I should probably see a counselor about my string of "bad days", but I'm sure my mom would join me in saying, "Thank you, Jesus!" for the good ones.

Not That It Matters....

2007-06-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

but I haven't forgotten about my blogging.

So, for all five of you that read this blog I'm hoping to get back in the swing of things soon.

My baby is not sleeping well right now and that takes a toll on a mama's brain and her priorities. I'm pretty sure he has 4 teeth that he's cutting right now.

Ms. Inappropriate

2007-05-24T09:57:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I get excited. And when I get excited I have a tendency to say things that are a little inappropriate. Sounds like a puppy doesn't it? Maybe that's a pretty accurate comparison.

In the last week I've made some comments to my parents that, upon reflection, were really terrible. I made my mom and my mother-in-law a 30 minute video of their grandson doing miscellaneous things that a 9 month old does. It is a solid 30 minutes of just the baby. So when I was on the phone with my dad I said, "I call it granny porn. It's for their baby addiction." WHY?! Why would I ever suggest that their love for their grandchild is comparable to a sex addict's need for pornography. YUCK!

It gets better. I was chatting with my mother and I mentioned how I left the house without the baby for a good 5 hours on Saturday. She was impressed and so I continued to tell her that when I got home the baby wanted to nurse as a way to stake his claim on me. He wasn't really hungry or thirsty he just wanted to acknowledge me as his mama. In the phone conversation with my mother I likened it to a dog peeing on a fire hydrant as a way to mark his territory. Hmmm...again I have to ask myself...WHY?! Why would I make a sweet and beautiful thing so gross?

Participating in the blog-o-sphere can be a challenge for me due to what I'd like to call a "misplaced" filter. I read some one's post and I get excited. I'm so eager to participate that my fingers have a life of their own and what I write can sometimes be a little inappropriate. So, to any of you out there who have encountered my excited and possibly inappropriate explosions on your blogs...I apologize and thank you for the grace you extended to me. I'm working on thinking more before I hit the "post comment" button.

Feeding our Neighbors - Urban Farming

2007-05-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

Everyone is saying buying local is the way to go. I was watching a new show on the Sundance channel called Big Ideas for a Small Planet and the episode I watched was called "Eat". Which partly fueled my imagination for this blog topic. It's a hot topic and it should be. I have a romantic notion of inner city gardens that feed the community around it. Maybe they are roof top gardens, maybe it's a series of small gardens that feed the family that lives there.

Neighborhood gardens or p-patches as they are sometimes called are all over the city of Seattle and I know of a few in Portland, OR , as well.

I don't hear allot about these gardens helping to feed others, but according to the City of Seattle the p-patches here donate to neighborhood food banks.

Also, who exactly is working in these gardens. With most inner city households all the adults are working in order to pay the bills - maybe even multiple jobs. I'm just thinking out-loud here about the feasibility of getting local residents involved in maintaining gardens in the parts of town that need the resources the most. But it looks like it's happening on a small scale right now.

Some interesting links around this subject:

Canadian work on the topic of community gardens.
Business week article addressing local vs organic products.
Soil Association buy local support.
Interesting article about efforts in Lansing, MI to bring more food options to the inner city.
Sierra Club article about folks bringing fresh foods to the inner city, through community gardens and the promotion of farmers markets in South Central LA with products grown and harvested by African Americans.
L.A. community garden information.

So far some things I've found that I find really exciting:

Feeding our Neighbors

2007-05-21T09:27:00.001-07:00

In the not so distant past a few of my favorite bloggers have written about issues of hunger and nutrition thanks mostly to Hunger Awareness Week. Being the practical person that I am and really wanting to help I'm on a mission to learn about what kind of things are being done and how those of us who feel called can get involved.

I know there are really cool things happening in the city right now. Folks are trying to bring quality fresh food to places were it's hard to find OR too expensive - I also know that it's still a small movement. My prayer is that somehow I'll help expand the movement and be educated enough to get involved in a very personal way.

So, I'm going to use my blog to track and share what I find. Maybe you'll find some of this interesting. AND I could certainly use help with links to information and suggestions for topics to investigate

Here's my first find. A web side called The Natural Foods Merchandiser has an article about some of the work going on in Oakland, CA (as well as mention of work in some other places around the US).

Read more about People's Grocery here.

Here's Pacific Cost Farmer's Market Association web site.

And I know allot of folks really dislike HMOs but I'm constantly amazed at what Kaiser is doing in preventative medicine. Hearing about the farmers market opportunities they are providing at some of their northern California medical offices is very exciting.

It does seem that the whole package includes availability, affordability, and education - much of which People's Grocery is involved with. You can't FORCE people to eat well. But it's such a shame that it's hardest for those who have the greatest need.

Too Good To Keep To Myself

2007-05-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

"...I will not return to a universe

of objects that don't know each other,

as if islands were not the lost children

of one great continent..."

Lisel Meuller, monet refuses the operation

"I don't think much suprises him: this is how we make important changes - barely, poorly, slowly. And still he raises his fist in triumph."

Anne Lamott, Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith

"Even as we improve as teachers and as students, the children continue to have raging impulse-control problems; they very thing that made them spontaneous and immediate could also make them mean. One day, a mouthy eight-year-old said something insulting about my dreadlocks. Rather than hit him over the head with the Wiffle Ball bat, which was my first impulse. I sat beside him and said, 'It's only been in the last ten years that I learned how beautiful my hair and I are, so please don't say critical things about me. It hurts my feelings.'

He gaped at me and said,'You're freaking me out, Octopus Head.' "

Anne Lamott, Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith

Ahhhh...Humility

2007-05-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

Seems we spend our early twenties gaining and exercising confidence and then we spend the rest of our adulthood learning how to temper that confidence with humility.

As painful as the thought is to me, the last couple of years have been about growing some humility. It's painful because in recognizing what God is doing I am required to join Him in this work! And, man, humility...I mean really...how much more painful does it get? At least that's what's going through my head.

Death to self. Submission. Not my will but His will. Not just admitting but believing that I don't have the answer. Trying to change things I worked so hard to create - whether consciously or unconsciously.

But I'm realizing that if I'm going to do great things for Jesus this is a lesson I should (at the very least) get used to.

Ten Commandments on "This American Life"

2007-05-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

I was pleasantly surprised to find last weeks theme for the NPR radio show "This American Life" was the Ten Commandments - the biblical Ten Commandments. I don't have any strong opinions about the coverage. I guess it seemed fair and unitarian in nature. I'm still impressed that they tackled this biblical text on NPR.

Mornings Like This One

2007-05-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

On Monday my son woke up extra early so we ended up walking to the store a little before 7am. In a drastic change of course the weather has turned (dare I say it) summer-ish. It was 50 degrees and clear skies when we left the house. The baby snoozed, I did some shopping, and on our way home I had to admit that I know why so many people have settled in this part of the world. From one of the higher points in our neighborhood I could see Mt. Rainier, the Olympic Mts, and the Cascade Mts. There are not many days that I meet the formidable presence of Mt. Rainier while walking in my neighborhood. It always takes me by surprise. Upon reflection I wonder how I could forget that huge snow-capped mountain that seem so close I could touch it.

I was tired that morning. And I had spent most of the return trip physically and emotionally struggling. The way home is almost entirely uphill and my 20 lb son along with a few groceries made it so the uneven sidewalk became literal stopping blocks for the stroller. At the same time I was cursing my husband for not having to get up with my early rising son.

By the time I reached the high point in my walk, where the mountains were revealed to me, I was feeling allot better. We were starting the last 5 minutes of our walk home and it was all downhill - at least until the next time we need to walk to the store.

Recipe for Left Over Meat

2007-05-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

I am a big fan of the roast. I'm trying to perfect my roast chicken and my husband and I love to eat the leg and thigh hot out of the oven. Usually that leaves the breast that ends up getting used as left-overs. A pretty easy thing to use. However I'm stuggling to get my husband to eat chicken salad sandwiches - which was my first use of the meat. I found this recipe in a Cooking Light magazine. The recipe calls for 1/2 lb of cooked shrimp but I think this salad handles chicken and probably even pork and beef very well. It's a satisfying salad with nice flavor. And all in all I think it's fairly economical. WARNING: This recipe makes ALOT of salad.

Maybe you'll enjoy it too:

Soba Slaw Salad with Peanut Dressing

6 - 8 oz uncooked soba (buckwheat) noodles
6 cups shredded red cabbage
2 cups grated carrot
3/4 cup thinly sliced green onion
1/2 lb shredded or chopped meat of your choice (I think you can add as much or as little meat as you want)
3 tablespoons low-sodium soy sauce
3 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 tablespoon canola oil
2 1/2 tablespoons creamy peanut butter (I think chunky would work, too)
2 teaspoons Thai chile paste with garlic ( I love the heat, but if I'm sharing with a group I only put 1 large teaspoon of chile paste)
2 tablespoons chopped dry-roasted peanuts (I usually don't add these)

1. Cook noodles, drain, rinse with cold water
2. Combine noodles, shredded cabbage, carrot, 1/2 cup green onions, and meat in a large bowl
3. Combine soy sauce, rice vinegar, canola oil, peanut butter and chile paste in a small bowl; stir with whisk until blended.
4. Add dressing to noodles, cabbage, carrot, and meat.
5. Garnish with rest of the green onion and peanuts

Enjoy.

I find that this salad makes a great lunch as well as a nice snack. OK, can you tell I'm a big fan of this salad!

My Podcast MUST HAVEs

2007-04-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

I love a good radio show. Do you?

NPR, baby!

Thanks to Podcasts I can download the latest This American Life and Studio 360 and listen to them when I have time to take a long walk.

Supporting the "Shameless"

2007-04-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I love the courage and honesty this woman has.

The Illusive Stride

2007-04-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

I did a lot of running in my youth. I've had my splits timed more than I'd like to remember. I was never really good at running, but it was what I did all through High School. I ran long distance so I loved those times (and they weren't very often come to think of it) when I hit my stride. I define 'hitting your stride' as being able to hit your time goals and feeling great while doing it.

I walk these days. My body is really not designed to run but it is definitely made to walk. As I walked around the lake the other day I felt like I was just hitting my stride right after I had finished approximately 2 miles. I felt great! The sun was shining, my baby was not crying, and I was a mama about to finish her 3 mile walk around the lake.

Walking is also a great way to get some thinking done. "What does it mean to 'hit my stride' in other areas of my life?" I wondered during my walk.

Lately, 'stride' has been hard to come by in my life. Before I know it the circumstances have changed and I have to speed up or slow down and I'm 'off my stride'. Pregnancy is a great teacher when it comes to learning how to live a stride-less life.

Marriage can also be a great, discombobulating life force, something that often throws me off when I think I've hit my stride. In the last few weeks my husband and I seem to be running in circles. These are not ordinary - mutually exclusive circles - these circles require us to run into the other person, who is running in the opposite direction. Funny thing is, we can't even see the other person until we've collided. And we seem to do it over - and over - and over again. We've been the most ungraceful ever in our married life, as far as I can tell.

We found out a couple of weeks ago that my husband did not get the job he was seeking in our former home town. And unfortunately we never really dealt with what it meant to lose this opportunity. We never really morned the loss of an opportunity to move back home.

I had already make plans about how I was going to spend my time with all the free child care that we would have available to us back home. I was planning to have our extended family gather for Sunday supper at our house. I was planning on going back to school. I was planning on watching my nephew regularly so my sister could work child free a couple hours a week. I was praying about how God would use me in the church where my husband and I met. And I was excited about all these things. But, I had gotten ahead of myself and God. My husband had not been offered the job yet.

It was about a week after we found out that my husband didn't get that job that we collided. Since we missed the step of processing this loss there was alot of emotion that seemed to come out of no where. Mostly it took the form of anger - that stern unmoving kind of anger. Really only a couple of days ago did we finally break through the muddle of anger and frustration and finally get to a little understand and grace.

Maybe this is a preview of things to come...maybe God is preparing us for great changes...I don't really know. What I do know is that next time a disappointment of this magnitude comes along I hope we can allow eachother the space and grace to morn.

Lenten Lessons

2007-04-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

As I was walking today I realized that this Sunday is Easter Sunday. Maybe realized isn't the right word. Maybe it's more like a leap in my soul at the understanding that on Sunday many of us will be celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I grew up in the Catholic tradition and have participated in Lent almost all my life. As a child, it was not eating meat on Friday or trying to abstain from something or trying to add new disciplines to our lives that were different from the norm. One of my mom's best ideas was what we called 'lenten letters'. All of us (even my parents) would sit down every Sunday of Lent and write a letter to someone we loved, usually an out of town family member.

I've experienced varying degrees of feeling connected to lenten tide and Easter. Sometimes Easter Sunday is this feast for my soul after fasting for 40 days, but the last couple of years have been very uneventful. It is always my desire to participate fully but often times I get distracted and Easter arrives and seems no different than 'ordinary time'.

The last 2 years have been really tough. Life is tough, in general, for all of us. But since we moved to Seattle we have dealt with some fairly huge things. God's been faithful through all of it. One of the hardest things about this time is not having a feeling of being called to people here in Seattle. I'm sure it's our ability to hear the calling that was impaired. At first we needed to learn some things in the absence of community. But it seems that the time for this is over and we are compelled to stop just dipping our toes in and to jump head first into relationship building.

It's been a 'lenten season' the last two years on an emotional and spiritual level. It has brought us closer to each other and closer to God.

Today I realized that I'm ready for Easter this year. I'm ready to break through the death part (I still have to get through Good Friday) and really submit to celebrating the resurrection.

Picture This

2007-04-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

An overweight, baby laden women in ill fitting sweatpants with dirt stained knees from gardened the previous day. She is radiating joy as she takes in the sun, brisk air, and vigorous walk around a lake where some of the most beautiful, serious and well dressed Seattlites exercise.

Acts 2:36-39

2007-03-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm reading through Acts right now. Today this passage struck me.

"Let all the house of Israel therefore know for certain that God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified."
These are Peter's words and my first response was "CRAP! That passage could be (and probably has been) used for all kinds of anti-Semitic ideology/theology." But luckily it doesn't end there.

Now when they heard this they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, "Brothers, what shall we do?" And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
Hallelujah!! Even to those who put Jesus to death is offered the Holy Spirit.

"For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself."

Of course if we understand that we all participated in Christ's death this is good news for all of us!

It's only a small realization but I'm glad for this gift today.

Mommy Games

2007-03-14T16:38:00.000-07:00

I have a new friend I met in Seattle and then she moved to Portland.

Today she gave me a great gift. Since both of us seem to be struggling with a feeling that winter will never end, she created a game that required that we get outside (in between rain showers) to collect flowers from the (very few) trees that are currently in bloom.

What fun!!

The goal was to collect 12 different flowers. I only collected 5 but I was sure blessed by the extra motivation to get outside and move around. :)

I'm so glad to have folks in my life to keep it light and fun but still fruitful.

Thanks, Calyn!

Monday Blues

2007-03-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

Well, the boy is still sick. It's March and I missed the only sunny day in weeks last week taking care of my sick son. Today the cloud cover is heavy and oppressive to me. I never remember this feeling in connection with the weather before I lived in Seattle. I grew up in Portland - no big difference, right? WRONG!

I'm sure it's more to do with my mental state that the weather. Last year at this time I was pregnant and this year I have a very young baby. I need to be outside and I'm feeling impeded by my young child. BLAH!

I'm starting to feel like I'm just surviving these days instead of living them. I still have hope - but the clouds make it harder and harder to see.

One Tired Mama

2007-03-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

My son turned 7 months this last week....and POOF he changed. OK he got sick - and that has shown me a boy that I've never known before.

On our last trip to Portland he caught a bug from somewhere. And on Tuesday he woke up with a fever and pretty constant diarrhea (probably more than you wanted to know, but he's a baby and if you have one you know how much your life starts to revolve around poop). First of all this is the first full fledged fever he's had - it really is sad to watch your super active little dude become so lethargic. My son is also (only by the grace of a loving God) pretty laid back. Usually, I can count on him to fuss only when he needs something. This has changed a little bit as he gets older because his needs start to depend more on how much interaction he gets, but I would never call him a 'needy' or 'clingy' child.

So his fever is gone and his poop is looking allot better but he is now incredibly whiny. I'm sure this is all very normal ('perfectly healthy, perfectly normal' as my husband would say in his best therapist voice). But where has my baby gone?

I'm trying hard not to let this become a piss and moan session - a long list of my hardships over the last 48 hours.

My point is how surprised I am at the change in his personality. I'm trying to keep faith that his old self will completely return, but maybe not. Maybe a different side of his personality has emerged and I'm getting to know more of my son instead of a different son.

Lord, help us keep our heads up. Help us get over this time with grace and an increased understand of the daily mercies you shower upon us.

The Embrace

2007-03-07T16:09:00.000-08:00

Some friends of mine have an icon in their sun room that always touches me. I imagine it's a classic icon of Mary and Jesus in an embrace - her face is turned towards his and she seems to fit perfectly into his arms. This icon matches much of my experience with Jesus, being small and secure in his arms. Often when I visualize Jesus holding me I'm only about 7 or 8 years old.

One of my favorite authors is Madelein L'Engle. She is most famous for her children's book "A Wrinkle in Time" but she has written many memoir type books that let the reader share her journey through life. She is a christian and is inspiring in her love of scripture and in her desire to love others. In her book called "The Rock that is Higher" she shares an intimate portrait of her and one of her adult granddaughters after they were unable to enter a concert because they had arrived too late. Fortunately they where able to sit in an adjoining atrium where they could still enjoy the music. They sat side by side on a bench and as they settled in her granddaughter laid her head on Madeleine's shoulder. Madeleine ponders the idea that maybe in that moment they were their true selves. Truly grandmother and granddaughter. (I am paraphrasing greatly since I've lent this book to a friend and cannot reference the story)

Yesterday, my 7 month old son and I were sitting on the couch together. He's had a fever for the last two days and has been terribly lethargic (something that is very hard for me since this is his first real fever). He has wanted to be in my arms almost constantly when he's awake, but this time he let me sit him up on the couch. I decided I'd see what would happen if I leaned up against him and almost instinctively he laid his head on my chest and was asleep in a few minutes. I think I can understand how Madeleine felt - how in that moment I felt like this was the 'truest' me there could be - loving my son who has allot less inhibitions when it comes to being 'himself'.

Is that what the icon is about, the real Mary (insert yourself in Mary's place) being embraced by Jesus who doesn't have the trouble we do with being his authentic self? Is that why it's appealing? He knows her and she desires to be known and loved by him.

And how wonderful to have an opportunity to be able to experience this in the context of other relationships in our lives!

Does being Jesus to one another mean that through God's grace we have moments where we are truely authenic and in those moments are an opportunity to allow others to be truely authenic and experience being loved for who they are?

Thoughts???

The Unit

2007-02-21T10:02:00.000-08:00

Admittedly, I watch too much TV!

My husband and I often get hooked on a TV show and then we have to buy the whole season on DVD to watch them in succession. Really it's a form of gluttony.

My husband loves this show called "The Unit". It's about an elite army task force that does things that the government never admits really happens - all top secret stuff. My husband jokes with me by saying, "I think I'm going to join the army, so I can be in 'the unit'. " Since one of my husband's stock phrases is, "I have a delicate system." we both know that this is just his male fantasy running away with him.

One of the big issues on "The Unit" is the issue of secrecy. It's a security issue. None of the wives of these soldiers ever know where they are going, what they are doing, or when they will return. The wives DO know that they work in an elite super secret task force, but they have all been trained to say, "My husband is a clerk with the 303rd Logistical Unit." You cannot tell your mother, sister, children that your husband is the elite of the elite soldiers.

Last night I turned to my husband and said, "Baby, you could never be in 'the unit' because of me." He said,"You're right you can't keep a secret to save your life." It's true (for the most part). I have a bit of a warped sense about the importance of MOST information being kept from others - especially people I know love me and usually love the person who is trying to keep this information under wraps.

So, baby, I'm sorry that I've ruined your chances of becoming an elite fighting machine. Maybe we can find something else for you to dream about in your spare time.

When Our Babies Sleep

2007-02-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

Do you think the average person would be surprised by what stay-at-home parents do while their children sleep?

Maybe it's just my own preconceptions about being a wife and a mom. I struggle with having the cooking, cleaning, and childcare in tip-top shape. There are lots of other things I would like to do during my son's nap time. I usually use that time to read and/or study. I try to make sure I get time in scripture and after that I like to read things that inspire me. Sometimes it's CS Lewis, sometimes it's a book on leadership, sometimes it's a great piece of fiction, sometimes it's blogs. Allot of the time when I read it help me start dreaming. I start dreaming about the ways God might use me. I have to be a little bit careful when this happens because sometimes I get really caught up in what I'm able to do well...I have performance issues. I'm scared to fail so I often start limiting God's plan based on what I think I can do well.

Of course, the work we are doing in our homes is very important. The time I have with my son is very precious and deeply important work. I'm helping to form another human being that will make his own impact on this world. But after a time I believe I will be called to work outside the home again. Maybe that will be when my children start going to school - maybe it will be when they start college - I don't really know when it will be. But I want to be ready.

I hope folks aren't counting us stay-at-home parent's out. I know of plenty of women (I don't personally know any men but I'm sure they are out there) that do alot cooler and more exciting things than read while their babies sleep. We're like soldiers training undercover waiting for the right time to make our next big impact in this world.

True Seattlite

2007-02-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

Like a good seattlite, the Bugg has a t-shirt from his favorite coffee shop.

I Just Can't Resist

2007-02-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

It's Valentines Day, and I'll take this opportunity to publicly proclaim the gift that my husband is to me.

We've had a rough couple of years. We moved away from our hometown - in the truest sense of the word it is our HOME town. All of our deepest friendships, our parents, and a couple of our siblings got farther away with this move. At the beginning this was exciting and a great big adventure. Then reality set in and the loss is still one that we struggle to understand and reconcile. We have moved twice in the two years we've lived here. We got pregnant and had our first baby. We struggled through depression and debilitating anxiety.

We've also grown in our faith in God to provide what we need. We've learned how to take each other a little less seriously (laugh a little more). We've been blessed with a beautiful baby boy.

My Love, Thank You!

Thank you for sticking by this silly and often times grumpy little girl of a wife that God has given you. You make her happy more often than you know AND a lot more often than she tells you. As life keeps rolling on please remember that I love you and cherish the gifts of your friendship, companionship, and passionate affection. Happy Valentines Day!

Tortured - Confessions of a "J" Personality

2006-12-30T14:23:00.001-08:00

I have been literally tortured by some of the "popular" theological debates lately. You know... homosexuality, God's purpose for men and women (which segways into the ordination of women), social justice vs personal relationship as central points of living a life of faith. These converstations have made their way into my life through introduction to a pastor that is on the "conservative" side of these issues and in-laws that are on the "liberal" side of these issues. (I use the terms conservative and liberal for lack of better vocabulary- since this is a fairly new conversation for me) I have visserated on conversations that I've had with my in-laws, yearning for logical or scriptural arguements that would make sense. But I only find myself trying to defend the other side of the conversation. (this is probably due to the nature of my relationship with my in-laws) All of this is confusing at a very deep level. My desire to have the answers I want right now are hard to temper with faith that God reveals things in his own time. And I struggle to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on having the intellect necessary to navigate these hard questions. I am also discouraged by the daunting task of learning truth without beleiving that gives me the right to judge others. It's my heart's desire to trust Jesus to help me navigate these converstations is a way that is pleasing to him. I want to know I can love and be with others where they are at, but still be faithful to a truth that ultimately leads us all to Jesus. As hard as it is, I beleive that Jesus laid these things on my heart so that he could show me something about himself. These hard converstaions are good opportunities for learning how to take things that weigh me down to the cross - at least that's what I'm finding.

Happy.....Holidays?

2006-12-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

On the front page of today's Seattle Times is a story about the removal of all the Christmas trees from SeaTac airport because a rabbi asked for a menorah to be installed next to the biggest tree. Instead of putting a menorah or other cultural symbols for holidays that happen around this time of year - they took down all the tree. I guess it can be expensive to support every one's traditions.

This incident reminds my husband of a conversation his boss had with a former office manager maybe 6 or 7 years ago. They were deciding how to decorate the office for the holidays and were talking about getting a tree for the lobby. The office manager was concerned about some of the other traditions not being represented said to my husband's boss in a soft tone, "Do you think Rob will be offended?" Not really understanding what she meant my husband's boss asked, "Why would Rob be offended?" In an even softer voice she replied, "Because he's a...Jesuit." It's true Rob IS a Jesuit. Went to Jesuit schools all his life. Too bad she didn't know that Jesuits are not Jewish.

Those Crazy Benedictines

2006-12-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

I love the Benedictines. No, I haven't read the entire The Rule of Benedict, but from what I've seen these guys are on the right track. I don't know if you've seen the TV show on The Learning Channel called The Monastary. It takes place at The Monastary of Christ in the Desert which is in New Mexico. They have a great web site. You can shop there, read the homily for the week, and the abbot also writes a weekly letter. I actually bought some Christmas gifts from their store (hopefully they will arrive in time for Christmas - monks aren't really known for their speed - part of the reason I like 'em).

Basically, they love Jesus and they have a great desire to share their faith and way of life with others. They live simple lives with very little intellectual, emotional, and material clutter. And they do have nuns and sisters that live in their own Benedictine communities. I've thought for some time now that if my husband were to leave this earth before me that I would go live with the Benedictines. That's a long way off, I hope. Until then I'll keep up with some of the communities via internet.

Peace be with you.

Shots

2006-12-06T13:51:00.000-08:00

If you have kids you know how hard it can be taking your little baby to get his or her first couple rounds of shots.

I just want to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU JESUS for helping my son deal so well with this experience. Somehow, and really the only explanation is 'by the grace of God', my husband and I have been blessed with a truely amazing child. The first round of shots (5 in all) I nursed him and everytime he got a shot he turned bright red and wailed in pain, but I finished nursing him and he was right as rain - and a little tired. This time (his second round of shots - 4 in all) by the time they got to the fourth shot he barely cried. We even went to the store right afterward - he was talking to himself and playing with his toys while we rolled around the store, and right now he's sleeping. There is certain nothing we've done to deserve this easy baby. So, today I'm grateful for the gift of being The Bugg's mom. Thanks againg, Jesus.

This Little Blog of Mine

2006-12-06T13:43:00.000-08:00

After reflecting on my last entry I'm convicted to really press into God right now. To seek Him and His will and not try to make up a plan for my life that I think God would approve of. I'm also trying to be authentically me. I can try to wax elequent on this blog but that's really not me. I'm interested in the truth and I'm interested in sharing what I know, but I'm a silly girl. I like the exercise of releasing myself from taking myself and my life so seriously. I like to make up silly songs to sing to my son. Sometimes I make up words to songs that already exist because I can't remember them all. I write the way I speak (and my grammar sucks). Maybe folks aren't interested in my familial tone or silly exploits and that's just fine by me. I do feel obedient to share what I'm learning and what's going on in my life. And to publicly rejoice the fruits of God's love for me.

Christ is Risen!
He is Risen Indeed!

COVETING OR SEEKING GOD'S KINGDOM?

2006-12-03T14:43:00.000-08:00

As I was looking for on-line devotionals I found this outline of a teaching on COVETING OR SEEKING GOD'S KINGDOM. As usual, when talking about coveting they were talking about money and material things. Is it still coveting when you are jealous about the opportunities someone has. Or is jealousy different than coveting? Coveting is very "chirstianese", that's the term I like to use for words that are commonly used umong Christians that aren't usually used with the general public as much. Let's see if we can find out the difference if any between jealousy and coveting.

Exodus 20:17 (New International Version)
"You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

The "Free Dictionary" by Farlex defines coveting as:
1. To feel blameworthy desire for (that which is another's). See Synonyms at envy.
2. To wish for longingly. See Synonyms at desire

It defines jealousy as:
1. jealousy - a feeling of jealous envy (especially of a rival)
2. jealousy - zealous vigilance; "cherish their official political freedom with fierce jealousy"-Paul Blanshard

OK so jealouy and coveting are very closely related, tied together by envy. Coveting just implies a sense of responsibility for possessing the envy.

Envy is defined as:
1. a. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
b. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.
2. Obsolete Malevolence.

I feel pretty clear on what envy is, I think most of us were probably understand the idea envy. So, here's my thought. We often talk, in Christian circles, about coveting material things, but we don't often talk about coveting non-material things that people have. I think I am currently struggling with coveting the opportunities and gifts of one of my friends.

Why don't we talk more about this in church? Because we all have been given good gifts and sometimes we get confused about gifts that other have. I think we all know in our heads that we are grateful and appreciative of the gifts that God gives other people. But sometimes the world's economy starts to creep in and we start see people get attention from leaders because of the gifts they have. We want that attention as well and so we figure we need those gifts to get it.

So, in my estimation, the minute we take our eyes off God for validation of our actions (or even our lives). We get confused.

Jesus, help me keep my eyes on you. It's hard right now. My time is so fragmented and I'm having to learn a whole new way to be close to you. Quiet meditaion does not come readily to a new mom. Forgive my envious heart. Help me see your will for my life. Amen.

Romans 13:9 (New International Version)
The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Proverbs 14:30 (New International Version)
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Ecclesiastes 4:4 (New International Version)
And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Matthew 7:20-23 (New International Version)
He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' "

Today My Son is 4 Months Old

2006-12-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

Happy 4 Months, Bugg!

You are one of the greatest joys of my life. I still don't know how you got so cute - God sure did make something beautiful when he made you. I hope you continue to talk to me as you get older. I hope I don't put too much of my funk on you. I'm praying that Jesus protects you and keeps you close to Him, so that you can do great things for Jesus when you get bigger. I know you're going to be AMAZING, because you already are.

Boys and Their Toys

2006-12-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

All of my husband's closest friends have purchased brand new cars in the last 6 months. One has an Escalada, one has a Crysler 300 and one has an Audi S4. We also drive a very nice used car, a BMW 325, it will probably be the nicest car we will have until the kids leave home and I'm enjoying a second career. I am amazed at these boys for spending this amount of money on a car. Sure, they've got the money, and technically so do we, we just choose to spend it differently.

The real issue for me here is the issue of appearances. Whether it's the house or the car or the clothes you wear - if you are honest with yourself - it's mostly about appearance. It's just another way to mask the brokenness that's a part of all of us.

It's hard for my husband to see his friends buys these beautiful peices of automotive art. But even as we talked about it today, he realizes we've made other choices. We choose to invest more in our home, more than some of his friends, and we choose to tithe. The amount we tithe could make it so we could easily afford a brand new luxury vehicle like his friends have, but committment to God is more important than our commitment to keep up with the Jones'. There are several other ways we could, and probably should, be spending our money that would be more pleasing to God. It's nice to know that we've made at least one good choice.

Life Goals

2006-11-30T21:46:00.000-08:00

I just need to process here for a while

I've always known that I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I've also wanted to be a an engineer, an artist, a minister, a teacher, a cafe owner, and most currently a published kids book author. It's a question of occupation, something one does to make money and hopefully find a small amount of fullfillment. Ideally it's a calling. Something you can see through to completion. I stuggle with a calling (that I define as something God has created for me to do) and making money. These two things do not need to be mutually exclusive, but in God's economy money is only a means to a much greater end and God certainly has the ability to do things without money that we would normally think can only be done with money. Obviously doing what God needs you to do is more important than making money.

I need to focus on using my talents and desires for the things God needs me to do. This requires spending time finding out what God needs me to do. Which requires TIME with Him. This is not rocket science. Unfortunately, I get so caught up creating my own possible destinies that nothing really ever gets accompished. Dreaming is great and I think God has no problem with dreaming as long as we bring those dreams back to his feet for consideration. Like Nehemiah's dream to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem - he waited several months in prayer until he even attempted to get permission from the king to go to Jerusalem.

The Tempations of Christ

2006-11-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

As I was reading my bible this morning I seemed to get stuck on Christ's responses to Satan's temptations that appear in Matthew.

They are as follows:

Matt 4:4
But he answered, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread along, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.' "

Matt 4:7
"Again it is written,'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.' "

Matt 4:10
Then Jesus said to him, "Be gone, Satan! For it is written, 'You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve,' "

A couple of thoughts:

1.) I have some very selfish reasons for wanting to be able to live Jesus' first response - maybe I would eat less food. (I'm not trying to be funny - just honest)

2.) what's the difference between 'putting God to the test' and 'taste and see that the Lord is good' - the only thing that comes to mind is that the motive is probably different. (I need to do some research on this)

3.) why didn't Jesus say "Be gone, Satan!" after the first temptation Satan threw out. I assume that Jesus understood the Father's will for there to be three temptations before Jesus would be given the power to make Satan go away. But I wonder if maybe Satan's request was SO offensive that Jesus needed to cast him out. The idea of Satan just coming out and asking Jesus to worship him was so off the charts unacceptable (and definately less sublte than the other requests) that it was time for Satan to go.

The Nagging Question

2006-11-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

Lately, one of the biggest questions in my life has been, ' Will I get pregnant again?'

I know I want more kids, I'm just not sure if I can or even should get pregnant again. Pregnancy was hard for me. I was not one of those glowing pregnant women. I got fat and dealt with my changing body very poorly.

My delivery experience was also pretty intense. I was 10 days overdue when I was induced and my induction was filled with stopping and starting contractions and just about every pain killer used in delivery - most of which didn't seem to do much at all. I did end up delivering without a c-section after 4 hours of pushing. The baby was 10 lbs 7 oz at birth and totally healthy. The pediatric nurse called him "Brutus". Those 4 days (a total of 6 in the hospital) seemed very short compared to the preceding 9 months of raging hormones and intense hunger cravings. I fully admit that I'm a wimp because so many women have had harder pregnancies than I did. I didn't have to work during my pregnancy and I never really had bad morning sickness. I did gain a lot of weight which depresses me even now as I look at the minimum of 10 lbs I need to lose still (ideally I should lose another 35). Let me mention here for the record that my husband was a ROCK STAR when I was pregnant - he was the picture of patient understanding that we all hope our husbands would be in this situation.

Yesterday for the first time since I got pregnant, I thought to myself, 'I think I could do that again.' So, I guess what I need to do is ask God what he thinks about all this and then do what he says. A large part of me still hopes we need to adopt, but I think I could deal if the answer is that we need to get pregnant again.

Surrender

2006-11-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

Why is surrender so hard for me? The answer is probably because I'm human. Lately things with my husband have seemed so hard. We have a brand new baby and we find it easier and easier not to connect. This makes me very sad AND it makes me feel very alone. Last night, for the first time in a long time we talked about our relationship without someone being in crisis mode. It was so nice to be honest and extend grace to one another and just feel like we were truly connecting.

My problem is the same as it's always been. Trust. I start to believe that I'm alone and it's all up to me to keep myself, my family, (honestly in the extreme parts of my twisted little mind) EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY healthy and whole. You can see where my thinking is flawed. But most of the time I don't even know I'm doing it until my husband is pissed off at me for being upset again and I'm depressed because my husband can't read my mind. I know that God's the only one that can change anything so really I'm just not trusting Him to do what He said He'd do. There's the challenge! Jesus, grant me the grace to trust you more.

Wonderful Things About Parenthood

2006-11-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

when the baby falls asleep eating and you have to put him into your arms to move him and he snuggles into you
when the baby smiles in his sleep after eating
when you make the baby laugh
when the baby smiles at you when you come to get him out of the crib in the morning
holding babies with no clothes on (diaper required)
babies that sleep through the night

Snow, Snow, Snow

2006-11-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

It's probably coincidental but we watched "White Christmas" on TV yesterday and low and behold - it started snowing - AND it stuck. I'm a Northwestern girl and it's not often that I've seen snow stick the first time it falls in the Northwest. It snowed for HOURS. It's pretty magical...isn't it? That first snow. Especially, when it's starting to get dark and everything has a blue tint to it.

I wish my son were old enough to get excited about the fact that it was snowing last night. I would have loved to get excited with him and go out side and dance around in the snow for a while. It's kinda sad that I need him to have permission to really enjoy something so beautiful. I have a friend who decided last year that she was going to start skipping more because it made her feel like a kid. Maybe I'll start taking advantace of the opportunities to dance around, as a way to rejoice in the beauty around me, like a kid would.