Feelin' Good

Do you know the Michael Buble version of this song? It's the first thing running through my head when I see the words "Feelin' Good". The music is quickly followed by those funny Australian ladies on Kath & Kim.

ANYWAYS....

I've been such a downer lately on this blog! What's up with that?

I guess I'm just here to report that after returning from a 5 day trip to Sun River with my sisters, their husbands, our kids and my parents, I am finally feeling like things are good. They aren't perfect, but that doesn't bother me as much these day. :)

No, my therapist did not put me on any psychotropic drugs.

I think, even amongst the chaos that IS my life, I'm feeling more settled and a lot more comfortable.

God is good.

Reality

Now that we are back in P-town and back at our "home church". We are finding our selves in an interesting situation. There is some pretty intense upheaval going on at our church right now. I've read a few things about "the state of the North American church" and saw that my home church was practicing those older and relatively ineffective practices and I would get excited about being a part of positive change. I read passionate blog posts about the way things should be done and I am energized and praying for these things to happen in our congregation. I know it is our heart to be "missional". And I think that time has come.

What I didn't realize is that this sort of change can be (and might often be) initiated by some very painful issues that folks are no longer able to tolerate. I have never seen this need for change surface before in such a violent manner. It really is an eruption of sorts. Decisions made in upwards of 10 years ago are coming back to haunt us. Attitudes of supremacy are being recognized for what they really are and now we have to unravel what feels like a lifetime of tangled mess in order to heal and move onto a new place. It's not going to be pretty and it's not going to be quick. We are either going to move into a completely new and wonderful place OR die (meaning this congregation will no longer exist) trying.

FOCUS!!

Lately, I've been suffering from an inability to focus.

I guess this could be a totally natural outcome from such a big life change. Moving into my parent's house with a one year old and an unemployed husband is not a small deal.

My son has been pretty tapped out. I've had to realize that he's been to SO many new places in the last two weeks - places that aren't completely new to me. He's also surrounded by a whole new cast of characters that he needs to get to know, as well. It's super fun having his grandmas and grandpas around so much, but it's also very distracting and a little exhausting. I don't know how much he can understand about the moving thing right now. Does he think this is temporary or permanent or does he only have the ability to understand that things have changed?

My marriage has also been really hard lately - not as hard as the week we moved - but still unusually hard. I'm finding that when my marriage is not working well, I really have a hard time focusing on anything else. Maybe this is what my husband feels like when he says he gets anxious when the house is a mess and he can't do anything until it's cleaned up.

We've been pretty busy visiting friends and family the last few weeks and I keep yearning to start feeling productive. My husband was talking about this time at my parents house as a healing and restorative time - but I guess he never used the word "productive". We'll probably just be settling into a nice routine and then move out into our own house.

Hopefully our next move - the one that will put us into the house we'll live in for a LONG TIME - will be a little less traumatic. But I'm not going to hold my breathe.

You might be asking, "Where's God in all this?" and that would be an appropriate question. God's here with us. I know this because even though I've not had a full night of sleep since we arrived, I can still smile at my son in the morning. And even though it seems like every little thing my husband and I say to each other is the wrong thing, the words "I'm sorry" and "forgive me" are still large parts of our conversations.

I should also mention what joy it is to be able to spend time with people that we love deeply. I should also mention the joy of "coming home". God puts us in different places for different reasons. And I'm not sure that I will ever understand when a place is supposed to feel like home and when it's not supposed to feel like home. All I know is when I made that drive down "the 5" into NE Portland I felt like I could breathe again and that's good enough for me.

Moved In (and YES we do have alot of CRAP)

Whew!

Thanks to my husband, brother-in-law, my brother-in-law's wife (is there any easier way to identify her?), and a handful of faithful friends...we have successfully moved out of our house in Seattle and are now in Portland!

I'm exhausted, the baby is a little confused, and my marriage certainly feels stretched, but my little family has moved into the top floor of my parent's house until we are able to buy a new house.

It's SO wonderful to be here! I thank God for the opportunity to be back in Portland. It's probably been too long since the last time I got to see my parent's and it's just so wonderful to be with people that know and understand me so well.

I'm not going to try to dig too deep right now. I'm still trying to feel like a human being right now. My big goals for tomorrow: take good care of the baby, take a shower, and change my clothes.

P.S. Thanks to all of you who have been keeping us in your prayers - we really needed it - and all in all - we're doing pretty well!

Moving and All That Crap

We move home this Sunday, and you would think that I would be bouncing off the walls happy right now...but I'm not. Mostly I'm tired.

Truth be told, I really hate to move. Is it worth it to be in the city I love with a community that we feel called to? YES.

My husband is leaving his job to make this move and that's a huge deal. HUGE. We (meaning my husband) has not found a new job yet, which makes it an even bigger deal. So, he's dealing with lots of weird stuff and I'm dealing with lots of weird stuff and dealing with each other is just about impossible.

I hope this is one of those times where you just have to endure the crappy times so that you can arrive at a place where you can actually deal with the crappy stuff - because that's all I feel capable of right now.

The Blessing of Family

This weekend I left my husband and son to be with parts of my family that I don't get to see very often. It was my intention to spend most of the weekend with some family that shares no blood lines with me. They are expecting a baby and I wanted a chance to see them and help them out a little. I remember that last month of pregnancy and I was hoping I could help them out by offering another set of hands to get everyday tasks accomplished. Friday was busy but good and Saturday started out great until I started to get a terrible headache followed by some nausea that ended up with me throwing up at my friends' house. So there I am, laying down on the 3 year-old's bed trying not to throw up again and my dear friend who has been taking care of his wife and two little kids - the one person who's load I was trying to lighten - was taking care of me, too.

I did make it back to my aunt's house for the rest of the day and she replaced my friend as my caretaker. She cooked me food that I barely ate and kept me company during the few minutes that I could stay up-right without feeling sick. By 10pm something changed and I started feeling much better.

By the morning I was still moving slowly but my nausea and headache were completely gone. My friends had loaned me their car so I needed to drop it back at their house and then my aunt and I were going to visit some more extended family for the afternoon. We visited my grandmother who doesn't remember me or her daughter anymore. It's been quite a few years since the last time I visited her and she looks great for 92, mostly because of the way she smiles. My great aunt (the woman I'm named after) lives in the same community so we got a chance to visit a little with her before we headed to my other aunt's house for my family's version of "Sunday supper". For as long as I can remember, my dad's family (at least the family that still lives in the Los Angeles area) gathers at my aunt's house after mass on Sunday. I have 16 first cousins on that side of the family. Since I'm one of the younger cousins, you might be able to put together that most of my cousins are married and/or have a few kids of their own.

It's always a wonderful treat to join this Sunday supper. I don't even see these people once a year and they treat me like I've been there every week. My cousins' kids include me in the goodbye ritual where they give all the adults a kiss goodbye. I get to hear about the latest news at the church they attend and in between interruptions I try to give them an update on my parents and sisters. I love it! I love the craziness that ensues as my cousins and the 7 kids they have with them try to get out the door so the kids can go swim at a different house. After they all said goodbye I think it was a good 20 minutes before they actually left.

As derailed as my original plans were this weekend, I got a chance to experience my family (blood related or not) in a very full way. I am so grateful for these grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins that show me what being part of a family is all about.

The Seasoning of My House

I mentioned earlier that my son has been dis-placing the spice jars. Moving them from the drawer to the built in shelves across the room.
























Lately we've found the spices in a couple of other spots, as well.




Like...curry powder on the bookshelf

and black pepper on the bath tub...