Psalm 51 & Safeway

A little over a week ago I thought I'd lost my wallet at the neighborhood Safeway. I remember making a mental note at the check stand that I had not returned my wallet to my purse but had tossed it into the grocery cart. No less than two minutes later I'm telling myself,"Go ahead and leave the cart at the door. You can carry the baby, your purse, and the two bags of groceries to the car. No problem." I'm sure you mothers out there can recognize this train of thought. Instead of leaving the baby in the car by himself for literally one minute to return the cart, you leave the cart in an appropriate place and carry the baby and groceries to the car. As you can imagine, my wallet was sitting at the bottom of the grocery cart as I drove out of the parking lot that day.


I didn't realize what I'd done until I'd left the house again to get some lunch after putting the baby down for a nap and putting the groceries away. After explaining to the woman at the drive thru that I'd left my wallet at the store, I raced back to Safeway praying that I'd see my cute red wallet waiting for me in the cart right where I'd left it.


Earlier that morning my husband and I had discussed reducing the price of our house in Seattle for the second time. We also discussed the preparations for breaking into our retirement account since we would probably not be making an income before we ran out of money. These two things were hard for me to accept. Especially, making the move to start using money from our retirement account. I was already feeling very vulnerable that day and then to have been so careless as so leave my wallet at the bottom of the grocery cart seemed to add insult to injury. On top of $30 cash my debit, Visa, drivers license, and possibly my social security card were thought to be in that wallet.


I pulled into the parking lot right next to where I'd left the cart but there was no red wallet at the bottom of any of those carts. Trying hard to be optimistic I said to myself, "Have faith in your fellow man and believe that someone turned it in." I waited in line in customer service and they told me that no wallet had been turned in. The woman at the counter told me curtly, "You better cancel your cards immediately."


I got to the car and pushed back the tears as I called my husband.


"How are you?" my husband asked.


"Not so good." I answered


Through my tears I managed to tell him I'd left my wallet at the Safeway and most likely someone had taken it.


"I just don't want anyone to steal more of our money!" I sobbed, as my husband told me he was on his way home to help me deal with canceling the cards and making sure no one could steal my identity.


I felt so stripped of protection in that moment. I felt raw, exposed, and vulnerable in a way I'm very unfamiliar with. But it didn't feel like a bad place to be. For the last few months I've been able to protect my heart with anger and bitterness. But enough of our security (a home of our own, a job, a retirement fund, an idea about what tomorrow might look like) was gone that I couldn't protect myself anymore. It felt like the most honest place I'd been in months.


There is freedom in the the truth that we are broken and exposed. There is great room for God to be the Lord of our lives.


And as it turned out, God didn't even need to make me replace all of my identification to teach this lesson. An hour after my visit to customer service I called again and someone had turned in the wallet.


"You require truth, in the inward parts...A broken spirit and a contrite heart."