On Sunday, March 9th, 2008 a member of my immediate church family took his own life.
My first recollection of him is from December of 2007. He gave a testimony in church about having somewhere to go for Thanksgiving for the first time in a very long time. He glowed about the friends he had made at our church and was excited to share this joy with the rest of us. I remember getting misty eyed and saying to myself, "You're right, Jason. The people here are at this little church ARE wonderful. Thank you for the reminder."
In the months that followed I would not have many interactions with this man, but there is one moment that stands out in my mind when he talked to my son. He was just saying good morning but he was so happy to talk to my son, that my son matched his enthusiastic greeting. Turns out that lots of the moms at our church had similar stories.
Jason had a son that he was separated from but talked of constantly. Jason had spent time on the street. Even those who spent a significant amout of time with him did not know how to contact his mother. He had been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a long time.
What I know about Jason I only know because he is gone. I only know this information because conversations were had regarding his passing at our church staff meetings and during the memorial service.
However, this loss hit me harder than I expected. Part of my sadness was that this man was younger than I am and the service was being done in my church and many of my closest church family members attended, essentially Jason was a part of my peer group. The other part of my sadness is the disappointment that comes from the fact that I didn't ever take any initiative to know this man. I was forced to look at who I choose to spend time with and why I choose to spend time with those people. My prejudice and/or fear of those who come from different places was exposed in an unavoidable way.
It was clear during the memorial service that I was not the only one confronting this sin.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Our First Overnighter Without the Baby
Last night we left our one and a half year old with the grandparents so we could go to Seattle for an overnight trip. It was the first time he was without either of us overnight.
The trip was my husband's idea. Have I ever mentioned how smart my husband is? If not, let me mention right now...he's wicked smart!
This was our way of celebrating Valentines Day and it was really wonderful! We piggybacked a business opportunity Patrick had in Seattle and decided to stay in our favorite hotel. My husband made reservations at the fabulous restaurant in the hotel but we stayed in, ordered room service and watched a movie. If you know us, this is our idea of a GREAT time.
This morning we slept until we wanted to wake up (this is probably the second coolest things about a trip without the baby) walked to The Market and ate at our favorite French bakery then we walked up to Westlake Center and did a little shopping and alot of looking.
I've always affirmed the need for parents to have date nights and things of that sort. I am now a firm believer of the importance of parents having overnight trips to reconnect with their spouse and have some child free fun. So, if you are a parent and you haven't done this for a while, make some effort to make it happen. You'll thank me for it!
The trip was my husband's idea. Have I ever mentioned how smart my husband is? If not, let me mention right now...he's wicked smart!
This was our way of celebrating Valentines Day and it was really wonderful! We piggybacked a business opportunity Patrick had in Seattle and decided to stay in our favorite hotel. My husband made reservations at the fabulous restaurant in the hotel but we stayed in, ordered room service and watched a movie. If you know us, this is our idea of a GREAT time.
This morning we slept until we wanted to wake up (this is probably the second coolest things about a trip without the baby) walked to The Market and ate at our favorite French bakery then we walked up to Westlake Center and did a little shopping and alot of looking.
I've always affirmed the need for parents to have date nights and things of that sort. I am now a firm believer of the importance of parents having overnight trips to reconnect with their spouse and have some child free fun. So, if you are a parent and you haven't done this for a while, make some effort to make it happen. You'll thank me for it!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Thursday and Friday
My perspective changed dramatically on Thursday and Friday of this first week of Lent. After a horrible annual meeting I met with our pastor on Thursday to talk over a job description for a volunteer staff position I'll be doing. It was my opportunity to get our Pastor's take on the meeting that had me all confused earlier in the week. After voicing my concerns he shared his perspective - which in short goes something like this - "For me it's a bit of a releif. Now everything is on the table and we can deal with it." These were definately comforting thoughts. Of course, for those of you who know ICC, if you are talking about a leadership position with the pastor you will probably have plent to do in a very short amount of time.
I didn't sleep well Thursday night.
Most of Friday was spent setting up interviews for a new administrative person for the church (our current admin resigned about two weeks ago)..for interviews that pastor wanted to happen on Monday, write a job description for myself, and try to think through and rally some help for a 5 week "prayer initiative" that the pastor is starting...today.
And my Friday was FABULOUS! It was so great to start using some of the gifts that I hadn't used much since I quit working to have a baby. The kicker is I get to use those gifts directly for the benefit of a church body in order to help us accomplish the work of the Kingdom. How awesome is THAT! On Fridays my son and his cousin hang out with my folks so it gave me the perfect opportunity to be on the phone and email alot of the day. (thank you, Lord)
In general, Friday ended up being a great day of feasting. Feasting on the grace that God had provided for me.
I didn't sleep well Thursday night.
Most of Friday was spent setting up interviews for a new administrative person for the church (our current admin resigned about two weeks ago)..for interviews that pastor wanted to happen on Monday, write a job description for myself, and try to think through and rally some help for a 5 week "prayer initiative" that the pastor is starting...today.
And my Friday was FABULOUS! It was so great to start using some of the gifts that I hadn't used much since I quit working to have a baby. The kicker is I get to use those gifts directly for the benefit of a church body in order to help us accomplish the work of the Kingdom. How awesome is THAT! On Fridays my son and his cousin hang out with my folks so it gave me the perfect opportunity to be on the phone and email alot of the day. (thank you, Lord)
In general, Friday ended up being a great day of feasting. Feasting on the grace that God had provided for me.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Ash Wednesday
Last night we acknowledged our sinfulness at our Ash Wednesday service.
It was a very different type of service than most at ICC. It was quiet and simple and mostly organized and facilitated by women.
Certainly, ICC is in a different and more difficult place than ever before. Starting in January our pastor became a half-time employee of the church. It was not his desire to go to half time but a decision made in light of the reality of our current income.
Our Ash Wednesday service was the first service to follow our annual meeting. This year's annual meeting (and I will qualify this statement by saying I've only been to a handfull of annual meetings) was very ugly. I'm still confused by some of the disrespect and outright meanness that I witnessed my church family inflict on one another.
In one respect it seems totally appropriate to have these struggles during this time in the church calendar. God has provided us an opportunity to be clear about our brokenness as individuals and as a church body.
As I continue to talk with folks about our current state of affairs I'm hearing some scary things. And most of these things involve and contribute to divisions among our congregation.
My question is how do we (as a congregation) get back to Jesus as our focal point? How do we get back to the truth of that scarificial love that frees us to love one another in the way we ought to?
Honestly, I don't know. But I'm going to keep asking until He answers me.
It was a very different type of service than most at ICC. It was quiet and simple and mostly organized and facilitated by women.
Certainly, ICC is in a different and more difficult place than ever before. Starting in January our pastor became a half-time employee of the church. It was not his desire to go to half time but a decision made in light of the reality of our current income.
Our Ash Wednesday service was the first service to follow our annual meeting. This year's annual meeting (and I will qualify this statement by saying I've only been to a handfull of annual meetings) was very ugly. I'm still confused by some of the disrespect and outright meanness that I witnessed my church family inflict on one another.
In one respect it seems totally appropriate to have these struggles during this time in the church calendar. God has provided us an opportunity to be clear about our brokenness as individuals and as a church body.
As I continue to talk with folks about our current state of affairs I'm hearing some scary things. And most of these things involve and contribute to divisions among our congregation.
My question is how do we (as a congregation) get back to Jesus as our focal point? How do we get back to the truth of that scarificial love that frees us to love one another in the way we ought to?
Honestly, I don't know. But I'm going to keep asking until He answers me.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Rollin' to the ABQ
My middle sister lives in Albuquerque, NM. Late last week my one and half year old son and I flew to the ABQ to visit her and her very sweet husband.
Have you ever flown alone with a one and half year old? I don't recommend it.
Let me start by saying my son was ROCK STAR on the plane. He sat in his seat by himself and really seems to enjoy it most of the time.
The tricky part was the airport.
We arrived early for our departing flight since (usually) that makes me feel better about the whole flying experience. I hate to be rushed. My father came inside with me so that he could watch the baby while I checked us in. The guy checking us in actually REFUNDED my son's ticket since the flight was not very full and my son was under two years old. Everything was going really well until we hit the line for security.
I did not bring a stroller for my son because he's not so hip on those things these days. He's all about this new found freedom that walking and running brings to his life. Does this help you imagine how much he DOESN'T understand waiting in line (especially when there is no shopping cart to sit in)?
I'm also wearing a back pack that weighs about 15 lbs and I'm trying to convince my young son that he needs to either let me hold him OR stand right by me while we wait in a line surrounded by transit security officers. I keep assuring him that this will be the hardest part of the whole trip and that once we get to the other side of all that machinery he'll be able to run around all he wants. Somehow, these reassuring words don't really help. He wiggles, and whines, and bolts in the direction of said security officers. I'm sweating before we even reach the x-ray machines.
It's our turn to unload the requires items so the machine can scan them and we can clear the metal detector. I manage to get my shoes off (even though I can't really remember how) after I've removed his shoes and my backpack, jacket, and his jacket - and trying to remember my boarding pass to flash at the lady waiting for us at the metal detector. The kind man attending the machine that scans all of these items helped me by taking my laptop out of my backpack for me.
We make it through the metal detector and are deemed safe by TSA. (Do they ever really do a "random" baggage search on parents traveling alone with kids? ) Now, I've got to collect all our belongings, put our shoes back on and find a way to carry everything else and hold on to my son while doing all of these things. I tried sitting him on the bench provided for putting your shoes back on, but he was not in the mood to sit ANYWHERE. Eventually I managed to trap him between my right thigh and right elbow as I finished tying my shoes.
The worst was past us. It would be another hour and a half before our flight left and for the most part it went well -thanks mostly to a play areas for kids that was at the end of the terminal. Our last big challenge occurred as I tried to get us some food to eat before the flight left. My son did not react differently when asked to wait in line (a shorter but slower line) again.
But we did accomplish our goal and were rewarded with our chicken nuggets and fries.
The trip home included more of the same and the added complexity of changing planes in Salt Lake City. As we exited the plane in Salt Lake City I was very hungry and my blood sugar as a little low. Our first order of business was to get food. So, we waited in another line until we had our black bean burrito and them went back to the gate to eat. But my son was not that excited about sitting and eating. He wanted to run around. I didn't really blame him. After sitting in a plane for two hours, walking around sounded great, but mama was desperate for some food. So our little airport picnic involved taking a bite of the burrito and them dashing off to catch my son who was running as fast as he could down the concourse. But that smile he gave me when I would finally catching him...made most of the work worth it.
I'm so very grateful for the opportunity to spend time with my sister and her husband - especially since in a few short months they will have a baby of their own.
What will I do differently next time? Bring another adult. :)
Have you ever flown alone with a one and half year old? I don't recommend it.
Let me start by saying my son was ROCK STAR on the plane. He sat in his seat by himself and really seems to enjoy it most of the time.
The tricky part was the airport.
We arrived early for our departing flight since (usually) that makes me feel better about the whole flying experience. I hate to be rushed. My father came inside with me so that he could watch the baby while I checked us in. The guy checking us in actually REFUNDED my son's ticket since the flight was not very full and my son was under two years old. Everything was going really well until we hit the line for security.
I did not bring a stroller for my son because he's not so hip on those things these days. He's all about this new found freedom that walking and running brings to his life. Does this help you imagine how much he DOESN'T understand waiting in line (especially when there is no shopping cart to sit in)?
I'm also wearing a back pack that weighs about 15 lbs and I'm trying to convince my young son that he needs to either let me hold him OR stand right by me while we wait in a line surrounded by transit security officers. I keep assuring him that this will be the hardest part of the whole trip and that once we get to the other side of all that machinery he'll be able to run around all he wants. Somehow, these reassuring words don't really help. He wiggles, and whines, and bolts in the direction of said security officers. I'm sweating before we even reach the x-ray machines.
It's our turn to unload the requires items so the machine can scan them and we can clear the metal detector. I manage to get my shoes off (even though I can't really remember how) after I've removed his shoes and my backpack, jacket, and his jacket - and trying to remember my boarding pass to flash at the lady waiting for us at the metal detector. The kind man attending the machine that scans all of these items helped me by taking my laptop out of my backpack for me.
We make it through the metal detector and are deemed safe by TSA. (Do they ever really do a "random" baggage search on parents traveling alone with kids? ) Now, I've got to collect all our belongings, put our shoes back on and find a way to carry everything else and hold on to my son while doing all of these things. I tried sitting him on the bench provided for putting your shoes back on, but he was not in the mood to sit ANYWHERE. Eventually I managed to trap him between my right thigh and right elbow as I finished tying my shoes.
The worst was past us. It would be another hour and a half before our flight left and for the most part it went well -thanks mostly to a play areas for kids that was at the end of the terminal. Our last big challenge occurred as I tried to get us some food to eat before the flight left. My son did not react differently when asked to wait in line (a shorter but slower line) again.
But we did accomplish our goal and were rewarded with our chicken nuggets and fries.
The trip home included more of the same and the added complexity of changing planes in Salt Lake City. As we exited the plane in Salt Lake City I was very hungry and my blood sugar as a little low. Our first order of business was to get food. So, we waited in another line until we had our black bean burrito and them went back to the gate to eat. But my son was not that excited about sitting and eating. He wanted to run around. I didn't really blame him. After sitting in a plane for two hours, walking around sounded great, but mama was desperate for some food. So our little airport picnic involved taking a bite of the burrito and them dashing off to catch my son who was running as fast as he could down the concourse. But that smile he gave me when I would finally catching him...made most of the work worth it.
I'm so very grateful for the opportunity to spend time with my sister and her husband - especially since in a few short months they will have a baby of their own.
What will I do differently next time? Bring another adult. :)
Sunday, January 13, 2008
"How's living at your parent's house?"
In the three and a half months that we've been in my parent's house I've been asked this question several times. And my answer usually goes something like this, "It's great!" Sometimes I'm as surprised by my answer as other folks.
All things considered living with my parents has been pretty enjoyable. My folks have pretty good boundaries and are able to let us do what we need to do and they feel free to do what they need to do.
Even my husband doesn't really complain about living here.
There are a couple of things that make living with my folks more time consuming than just living with my husband and my son. First, there are two more people in the house. Relationships take time and since I want to have relationships with my parents I tend to want to sit down and talk with them. Second, we live on the other side of town from our church and most of our close friends. We spend allot of time in the car driving up and down 99E.
Originally we talked with my parents about staying with them for "a couple of months". Now, it looks like we'll be here for about 5 more months. My parents have been nothing but gracious to us. They don't seem at all bothered by how long we might need to stay. They never make us feel ashamed of the fact that we need their help.
In short, living with my parents is a gift. A beautiful, undeserved gift.
All things considered living with my parents has been pretty enjoyable. My folks have pretty good boundaries and are able to let us do what we need to do and they feel free to do what they need to do.
Even my husband doesn't really complain about living here.
There are a couple of things that make living with my folks more time consuming than just living with my husband and my son. First, there are two more people in the house. Relationships take time and since I want to have relationships with my parents I tend to want to sit down and talk with them. Second, we live on the other side of town from our church and most of our close friends. We spend allot of time in the car driving up and down 99E.
Originally we talked with my parents about staying with them for "a couple of months". Now, it looks like we'll be here for about 5 more months. My parents have been nothing but gracious to us. They don't seem at all bothered by how long we might need to stay. They never make us feel ashamed of the fact that we need their help.
In short, living with my parents is a gift. A beautiful, undeserved gift.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Post Christmas Reflections
I love Advent. Since I was raised Catholic the colors and some of the traditions of advent (like an advent wreathe) only become richer symbols to me as I get older. The anticipation of the greatest gift ever is exciting and I love having four weeks to be reminded to soak in that anticipation.
The first two weeks of advent were great. Christmas gifts were in their beginning stages of creation. The advent/Christmas banner was hung in the church. And I started rehearsals with the choir for our Christmas celebration. But by week three I was in a world of hurt. My calendar had become too full. I made too many promises to do things that sounded good but that couldn't get done unless other things (maybe even better things) were sacrificed. I teetered on the edge of my limits. I also hurt some feeling when I had to bow out of activities because I had become so over committed.
The one thing that kept me from losing my mind was to keep telling myself that I could learn from this experience. I could learn about what things were life giving and important for my connection to the season and which things I should probably not commit to next time.
One thing I really love to do is be available on short notice when others need a hand. Christmas time is busy for all of us and I love when I can be the type of person available to help on the fly.
So, I've created a few general guidelines that I hope will help me not become such an over committed mess next year. I'll let you know how it goes.
Anyone up for going to Disneyland for Thanksgiving?
The first two weeks of advent were great. Christmas gifts were in their beginning stages of creation. The advent/Christmas banner was hung in the church. And I started rehearsals with the choir for our Christmas celebration. But by week three I was in a world of hurt. My calendar had become too full. I made too many promises to do things that sounded good but that couldn't get done unless other things (maybe even better things) were sacrificed. I teetered on the edge of my limits. I also hurt some feeling when I had to bow out of activities because I had become so over committed.
The one thing that kept me from losing my mind was to keep telling myself that I could learn from this experience. I could learn about what things were life giving and important for my connection to the season and which things I should probably not commit to next time.
One thing I really love to do is be available on short notice when others need a hand. Christmas time is busy for all of us and I love when I can be the type of person available to help on the fly.
So, I've created a few general guidelines that I hope will help me not become such an over committed mess next year. I'll let you know how it goes.
Anyone up for going to Disneyland for Thanksgiving?
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