The $64,000 Question

My friend MamaToo did a TT on all the ways she'd been asked if she planned on having more kids.

This is a very common question among women - especially to moms of young children. On Tuesday at the playgroup I lead a new woman arrived with her 11 month old son. Since it was only she and I for a while we had a chance to chat. And, of course, the question of more kids came up. She is pregnant with their second so that answers the question for her. And when she asked me if we were planning on having more...I just kinda stumbled out a, "I'm not sure." She asked me great questions trying to help me articulate what it was that was keeping me from knowing that I wanted more kids. I was never really able to give a confident or even convincing answer. I think I said something about being concerned for my emotional well being and having a desire to do some things outside of the home. Finally, she mentioned how laid back my son was. He was playing by himself with the fake food that goes with the play kitchen in the nursery.

And I said, "Yeah, he's really a pretty laid back kid. He's always been a really easy baby."

She replied, speaking to my son, "You are so content and your mama is trippin' about you."

She's right, I'm trippin'.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of going crazy - maybe not clinically insane - but close to it. I'm afraid that I'll "lose it" too often and create children that think they have to take care of their mother's emotional well being. I may be projecting a bit here. I am afraid of re-creating for my children the worst parts of my childhood. And in my heart of hearts I know this fear is not a good enough reason to not have kids.

And for some reason I always thought the idea of having kidS (note the plural) would be an easy one for me. I'm the oldest of five and have always loved coming from a big family. There are so many things about having several siblings that I feel are important and really wonderful.

Luckily, as time goes on, the sense of urgency to answer this question clearly is going away. I'm more OK saying,"I don't know if we'll have more kids." Hopefully, that means I'm laying this question in God's hands. As we all know, the stress starts when you think it's all up to you.