Do you know the Michael Buble version of this song? It's the first thing running through my head when I see the words "Feelin' Good". The music is quickly followed by those funny Australian ladies on Kath & Kim.
ANYWAYS....
I've been such a downer lately on this blog! What's up with that?
I guess I'm just here to report that after returning from a 5 day trip to Sun River with my sisters, their husbands, our kids and my parents, I am finally feeling like things are good. They aren't perfect, but that doesn't bother me as much these day. :)
No, my therapist did not put me on any psychotropic drugs.
I think, even amongst the chaos that IS my life, I'm feeling more settled and a lot more comfortable.
God is good.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Reality
Now that we are back in P-town and back at our "home church". We are finding our selves in an interesting situation. There is some pretty intense upheaval going on at our church right now. I've read a few things about "the state of the North American church" and saw that my home church was practicing those older and relatively ineffective practices and I would get excited about being a part of positive change. I read passionate blog posts about the way things should be done and I am energized and praying for these things to happen in our congregation. I know it is our heart to be "missional". And I think that time has come.
What I didn't realize is that this sort of change can be (and might often be) initiated by some very painful issues that folks are no longer able to tolerate. I have never seen this need for change surface before in such a violent manner. It really is an eruption of sorts. Decisions made in upwards of 10 years ago are coming back to haunt us. Attitudes of supremacy are being recognized for what they really are and now we have to unravel what feels like a lifetime of tangled mess in order to heal and move onto a new place. It's not going to be pretty and it's not going to be quick. We are either going to move into a completely new and wonderful place OR die (meaning this congregation will no longer exist) trying.
What I didn't realize is that this sort of change can be (and might often be) initiated by some very painful issues that folks are no longer able to tolerate. I have never seen this need for change surface before in such a violent manner. It really is an eruption of sorts. Decisions made in upwards of 10 years ago are coming back to haunt us. Attitudes of supremacy are being recognized for what they really are and now we have to unravel what feels like a lifetime of tangled mess in order to heal and move onto a new place. It's not going to be pretty and it's not going to be quick. We are either going to move into a completely new and wonderful place OR die (meaning this congregation will no longer exist) trying.
Monday, October 1, 2007
FOCUS!!
Lately, I've been suffering from an inability to focus.
I guess this could be a totally natural outcome from such a big life change. Moving into my parent's house with a one year old and an unemployed husband is not a small deal.
My son has been pretty tapped out. I've had to realize that he's been to SO many new places in the last two weeks - places that aren't completely new to me. He's also surrounded by a whole new cast of characters that he needs to get to know, as well. It's super fun having his grandmas and grandpas around so much, but it's also very distracting and a little exhausting. I don't know how much he can understand about the moving thing right now. Does he think this is temporary or permanent or does he only have the ability to understand that things have changed?
My marriage has also been really hard lately - not as hard as the week we moved - but still unusually hard. I'm finding that when my marriage is not working well, I really have a hard time focusing on anything else. Maybe this is what my husband feels like when he says he gets anxious when the house is a mess and he can't do anything until it's cleaned up.
We've been pretty busy visiting friends and family the last few weeks and I keep yearning to start feeling productive. My husband was talking about this time at my parents house as a healing and restorative time - but I guess he never used the word "productive". We'll probably just be settling into a nice routine and then move out into our own house.
Hopefully our next move - the one that will put us into the house we'll live in for a LONG TIME - will be a little less traumatic. But I'm not going to hold my breathe.
You might be asking, "Where's God in all this?" and that would be an appropriate question. God's here with us. I know this because even though I've not had a full night of sleep since we arrived, I can still smile at my son in the morning. And even though it seems like every little thing my husband and I say to each other is the wrong thing, the words "I'm sorry" and "forgive me" are still large parts of our conversations.
I should also mention what joy it is to be able to spend time with people that we love deeply. I should also mention the joy of "coming home". God puts us in different places for different reasons. And I'm not sure that I will ever understand when a place is supposed to feel like home and when it's not supposed to feel like home. All I know is when I made that drive down "the 5" into NE Portland I felt like I could breathe again and that's good enough for me.
I guess this could be a totally natural outcome from such a big life change. Moving into my parent's house with a one year old and an unemployed husband is not a small deal.
My son has been pretty tapped out. I've had to realize that he's been to SO many new places in the last two weeks - places that aren't completely new to me. He's also surrounded by a whole new cast of characters that he needs to get to know, as well. It's super fun having his grandmas and grandpas around so much, but it's also very distracting and a little exhausting. I don't know how much he can understand about the moving thing right now. Does he think this is temporary or permanent or does he only have the ability to understand that things have changed?
My marriage has also been really hard lately - not as hard as the week we moved - but still unusually hard. I'm finding that when my marriage is not working well, I really have a hard time focusing on anything else. Maybe this is what my husband feels like when he says he gets anxious when the house is a mess and he can't do anything until it's cleaned up.
We've been pretty busy visiting friends and family the last few weeks and I keep yearning to start feeling productive. My husband was talking about this time at my parents house as a healing and restorative time - but I guess he never used the word "productive". We'll probably just be settling into a nice routine and then move out into our own house.
Hopefully our next move - the one that will put us into the house we'll live in for a LONG TIME - will be a little less traumatic. But I'm not going to hold my breathe.
You might be asking, "Where's God in all this?" and that would be an appropriate question. God's here with us. I know this because even though I've not had a full night of sleep since we arrived, I can still smile at my son in the morning. And even though it seems like every little thing my husband and I say to each other is the wrong thing, the words "I'm sorry" and "forgive me" are still large parts of our conversations.
I should also mention what joy it is to be able to spend time with people that we love deeply. I should also mention the joy of "coming home". God puts us in different places for different reasons. And I'm not sure that I will ever understand when a place is supposed to feel like home and when it's not supposed to feel like home. All I know is when I made that drive down "the 5" into NE Portland I felt like I could breathe again and that's good enough for me.
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