The $64,000 Question

My friend MamaToo did a TT on all the ways she'd been asked if she planned on having more kids.

This is a very common question among women - especially to moms of young children. On Tuesday at the playgroup I lead a new woman arrived with her 11 month old son. Since it was only she and I for a while we had a chance to chat. And, of course, the question of more kids came up. She is pregnant with their second so that answers the question for her. And when she asked me if we were planning on having more...I just kinda stumbled out a, "I'm not sure." She asked me great questions trying to help me articulate what it was that was keeping me from knowing that I wanted more kids. I was never really able to give a confident or even convincing answer. I think I said something about being concerned for my emotional well being and having a desire to do some things outside of the home. Finally, she mentioned how laid back my son was. He was playing by himself with the fake food that goes with the play kitchen in the nursery.

And I said, "Yeah, he's really a pretty laid back kid. He's always been a really easy baby."

She replied, speaking to my son, "You are so content and your mama is trippin' about you."

She's right, I'm trippin'.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of going crazy - maybe not clinically insane - but close to it. I'm afraid that I'll "lose it" too often and create children that think they have to take care of their mother's emotional well being. I may be projecting a bit here. I am afraid of re-creating for my children the worst parts of my childhood. And in my heart of hearts I know this fear is not a good enough reason to not have kids.

And for some reason I always thought the idea of having kidS (note the plural) would be an easy one for me. I'm the oldest of five and have always loved coming from a big family. There are so many things about having several siblings that I feel are important and really wonderful.

Luckily, as time goes on, the sense of urgency to answer this question clearly is going away. I'm more OK saying,"I don't know if we'll have more kids." Hopefully, that means I'm laying this question in God's hands. As we all know, the stress starts when you think it's all up to you.

Ever Heard of Tribology?

Tribology is the study of lubricants. And it is my middle sister's specialty. She's a mechanical engineer and her husband is a physicist. I was going to link you to their masters and Phd thesis but then I'd have to tell you their names and then I'd have to kill you because they work for the government at Sandia Labs in New Mexico. (I'm just kidding about the killing part.)

Ever looked around the table during a holiday meal and thought about what you are all doing with your lives. What kinds of education your siblings have and what kinds of occupations. It can be surreal to think that the little sister that I used to draw on as a young child is helping first generation college attendees learn how to cope with college life. And as talented as my sisters are my brothers-in-law are equally amazing in how they have chosen to contribute to society and earn a living.

As the oldest I often have to work hard to look at my siblings and their husbands as adults. And the truth is they are all quite amazing people. They are interesting, caring, and very smart.

What a blessing!

Tagged

MamaToo tagged me.



I'm supposed to write 7 random things about myself, so here goes:



1.) As I write this my 10 month old is watching The Backyardigans - which is also one of my favorite cartoons.



2.) I was born in Bellflower, California.



3.) This year, for my birthday, my husband gave me a gift every day for the week preceding my birthday. All of these gifts were hardbound copies of my most favorite books.



4.) Just like MamaToo, I spent some time in Germany. I lived there for two years from the ages of 10 to 12. Unlike MamaToo I speak German pretty well. However, even though I am half Mexican, I do not speak any Spanish.



5.) I own at least 4 copies of J.R.R. Tolkien's Fellowship of the Ring (the book not the movie).



6.) The first sport I ever participated in was gymnastic - balance beam was my best event with a high score of 7-something. I'm not bragging, just showing you that I really wasn't all that great at it. :)



7.) I'm haunted by the question of whether or not I'll have more children. I just don't know the answer and it bugs me that I don't know.



Well, there you go...seven random facts...and now the hard part (because I'm not sure I know 7 bloggers that haven't already been named):



Hummel Family, Meloknee, and that's the best I can do right now....

Volf and Bonhoeffer on Tuesday Morning

"Is the scandal of the cross good enough reason to give up on it? Let me respond by noting that there is no genuinely Christian way around the scandal. In the final analysis, the only available options are either to reject the cross and with it the core of the Christian faith or to take up one's cross, follow the Crucified - and be scandalized ever anew by the challenge. As the Gospel of Mark reports, the first disciples followed and were scandalized (14:26ff.). Yet they continued to tell the story of the cross, including the account of how they abandoned the Crucified. Why? Because precisely in the scandal, they have discovered a promise. In serving and giving themselves for others (Mark 10:45), in lamenting and protesting before the dark face of God (15:34), they found themselves in the company of the Crucified. In his empty tomb they saw the proof that the cry of desperation will turn into a song of joy and that the face of God will eventually 'shine' upon a redeemed world."

Miroslav Volf, Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation



"...Whether we really have found God's peace will be shown by how we deal with the suffering that will come upon us. There are many Christians who do indeed kneel before the cross of Jesus Christ, and yet reject and struggle against every tribulation in their own lives. They beleive they love the cross of Christ, and yet they hate the cross in their own lives. And so in truth they hate the cross of Jesus Christ as well, and in truth despise that cross and try by any means possible to escape it. Those who acknowledge that they view suffering and tribulation in their own lives only as something hostile and evil can see from this very fact that they have not at all found peace with God. They have basically merely sought peace with the world, believing possibly that by means of the cross of Jesus Christ they might best come to terms with themselves and with all their questions, and thus find inner peace of the soul. They have used the cross, but not loved it. They have sought peace for their own sake. But when tribulation comes, that peace quickly flees them. It was not peace with God, for they hated the tribulation God sends."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Sermon on Romans 5:1-5, March 9, 1938, Gross Schloenwitz, Collective Pastorate

What Kind of Day is She Having?

Growing up in my house, it was not uncommon for my sisters and I to ask each other what kind of mood our mother was in that day. My mom had some pretty intense mood swings and it really sucked to be caught off guard when my mom was having a bad day. My younger sisters remember this less than us "older kids". I'm pretty sure the hysterectomy and consequent hormone therapy evened out my mother's mood swings making my younger sisters' adolescence a tiny bit smoother than mine.

Being the oldest of five I had a huge sense of needing to be sure that everything was done to ensure that we did not anger my mother any further when she was having a bad day. This was not easy. I was of course living under the delusion that I could "fix" my mother's mood - make it all better. As I reflect on those time I feel sad for my 12 year old self doing anything and everything to try to flip the switch that would make my mom the happy version of herself.

My thirty-something self is all too familiar with the reality of the good and the bad days. I have only recently emerged from a string of bad days. A few weeks ago, as I was taking a walk, I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe, I'm just not a happy person." I wonder if that's how my mother felt on her bad days, too.

Some recent events have transpired in the last few days that I am sure I could not have delt with if I were still in that string of bad days. When I think about this I am amazed and deeply curious. I'm amazed that God's grace is so practical sometimes. Through my ability to deal with these recent events I have been able to bless and honor my husband, something I have not been doing very well lately. All of this makes me deeply curious about what God is up to in our lives. This could just be a gracefilled time designed to reinforce and bless our marriage OR it could be a little more than that.

A few years ago I was talking with a friend of mine and we were both feeling that life was getting significantly harder. The hard times were really hard, but we surmised that the good times were better than ever and that the two were probably linked.

I should probably see a counselor about my string of "bad days", but I'm sure my mom would join me in saying, "Thank you, Jesus!" for the good ones.

Not That It Matters....

but I haven't forgotten about my blogging.

So, for all five of you that read this blog I'm hoping to get back in the swing of things soon.

My baby is not sleeping well right now and that takes a toll on a mama's brain and her priorities. I'm pretty sure he has 4 teeth that he's cutting right now.